The rain drips down the dusty windowpane and the cool breeze dances through the cracks in the old wood. I close my eyes and breathe in deeply through my nostrils. Smoke, I think, I smell smoke. I don't panic to find out where it's coming from because I already know the answer. I stand up and stretch my aching bones from sitting on the hard, wooden chest. My thick, flannel button down falls off one of my shoulders and the sleeves slip over my wrists, engulfing my hands entirely. I cross my arms over one another and shuffle my chilled legs down the creaky hallway. The door is open slightly, and I quietly push it open more to see Bryan sitting at his desk smoking a cigarette.
"You shouldn't smoke inside," I barely project through my dry throat. It feels as though I haven't spoken or swallowed in weeks.
"I shouldn't smoke at all, but I do it anyway, don't I?" He returns without turning toward me.
I slowly scuttle into the room, sliding my woolly socks over the hardwood floor. I approach him from behind and uncross my arms, loosening my flannel yet again. It sinks over my shoulder revealing my collarbone. I stretch my arms out to his shoulders and place my cool, bony fingers on his obviously tense muscles. I begin to massage lightly and feel him suddenly release the tension from his upper body.
"Hmmm," he moans as his eyelids close slowly.
"How are you feeling today, is it bothering you?"
"No," he breathes, "Not anymore."
He opens his eyes and turns toward me, forcing me to drop my hands to my side. He looks at me from head to toe and back, examining every inch of my disheveled stature.
"God," he whispers, "You're irresistible."
He grabs my head with both of his hands and kisses me on my lips, immediately sending a current of warmth throughout my icy body. He tangles his fingers throughout my messy hair taking control of my mouth with his tongue.
"Oh," I moan between kisses, and before I know it he's pressing me up against the wall. His left hand is sliding up my shirt and grabbing at my chest, causing my skin to prickle with goosebumps under his touch. His hands and the flannel rubbing against me feel heavenly since I'm not wearing a bra. I have absolutely no control over my body as he dominates me, claiming my body as his. The quick flare of passion is overwhelming, and suddenly he's pulling away and leaving me up against the wall with a heavy, aching feeling in my stomach.
"Bryan," I start, but he cuts me off.
"I'm sorry," he blinks, "I have to get back to work."
I stand there staring at him as he refuses eye contact with me, wondering if this is because the pain is coming back.
"Bryan, does it hurt agai-"
"Lucy, please, I need to do this."
I unclench my body and pull my flannel up onto my shoulder. I can feel my weak legs trembling from the built up pressure in my body. I break my stare with his closed eyelids and finally manage to move. I grab his pack of cigarettes and exit the room, closing the door behind me.
Why won't he let me help him, I think, walking back toward the windowsill.
I sit down on the unforgiving wooden chest and press my forehead up against the cool glass. After a moment, I look down at my hands and realize I still have his cigarettes.
Might as well join him, I think and take one out placing it on my moist lips. I flick the lighter a few times before it finally ignites and light the tip ablaze. I inhale slowly, feeling the tension in my stomach release and blow it out in thick plumes of smoke through my teeth.
"Mmmmm," I groan, closing my eyes and feeling the smoke envelop me in its arms, pretending they are his.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Introduction
Hello to anyone who is reading this.
I revised all my posts, attempted to put them in somewhat chronological order, and put all of the ones from my Meg Well Read blog. I think a few might be missing that I accidentally skipped over... but this is the majority.
I apologize for the earlier ones, they date all the way back to 2010 and are pretty horrible in comparison to my most recent ones. Regardless, I hope you enjoy them and I will continue to post them as I write more.
Thanks!
Meg
I revised all my posts, attempted to put them in somewhat chronological order, and put all of the ones from my Meg Well Read blog. I think a few might be missing that I accidentally skipped over... but this is the majority.
I apologize for the earlier ones, they date all the way back to 2010 and are pretty horrible in comparison to my most recent ones. Regardless, I hope you enjoy them and I will continue to post them as I write more.
Thanks!
Meg
Light
"Sometimes I just feel like none of it's worth it. Like... like I'm an empty shell of a person and there's no reason for me to be here."
"How did you get these pills, Alice?"
"Someone at school."
"You're sixteen, how could you..."
"Dad, please. Just leave me alone for now."
"Ali, I'm sorry. I... I'll be right back."
I stand from her bed and uneasily walk toward the door. I seem to be seeing three of everything. Oh god, this is heart-wrenching. Where's Susie? It seemed so impossible that my sixteen-year-old daughter could be suicidal. But it's not impossible. It's not, and I know that. I can't leave her alone right now. What am I doing? I turn on my heel and barge back into her room and find her on the floor weeping silently.
"Ali, baby, please."
She's lying on her back on the hardwood floor with her eyes closed, arms and legs mindlessly sprawled out and tears streaming down her ice cold cheeks.
After a moment, she opens her eyes and looks at me. Nothing but sheer pain and grief in her eyes.
"Dad-"
"No, Ali," I cut her off, "Please, just listen to me. Can we sit?"
"Okay," she says dryly.
We sit lifelessly on the bed next to each other, and I brush a piece of hair behind her ear. I look into her eyes and see the pure sadness and hatred she must be feeling. This is real, I think, she's not overreacting. I need to help her. There is no pain greater than that which you see your daughter's ultimate unwillingness to be alive.
"I have a story I'd like to share with you, Ali."
She gives me a slight nod while blinking slowly, looking awfully exhausted and run-down.
"Okay, well..." My mind wanders. I'm pulled back to a time twenty years ago.
"You're fired. I'm sorry. But you have to go."
"Mr. Donaley I just don't understand, and either do you! I need this job!"
"Jonathan, we're going to ask you to leave now and if you don't we'll call security to escort you out."
"Okay. Fine."
I walk out of the building and it's freezing. The snow is coming down lightly but the air feels like daggers slicing through me. I fumble with my keys trying to find the right one for my car while walking through the parking garage to what was formally known as my parking spot.
"Fired. I just got fired." I say audibly to myself. I can't believe it. I need to force myself to process it, but I can't. When I get to my spot, my car isn't there.
"WHAT THE FUCK!" I scream, causing my voice to echo loudly through the vacant garage.
I now have no job, no idea where my car is, and no money to get it back anyway. What else can you expect in the city, right?
"Fucking awesome," I mutter as I walk towards the exit of the garage, "It's gonna be a long ass walk home."
I walk through the city as mother nature blankets it with soft, fluffy snow. It's about six pm and already dark. I'll have to walk about three more blocks, cross the bridge, and then two more blocks and then I'll be home. Home sweet home. My shitty one bedroom apartment with barely any heat which, hey, I won't even be able to afford soon! Can't wait!
It doesn't seem like that far of a walk, but in the crisp, rigid winter air, it's a journey.
As I get to the bridge, I can see that it's basically empty. No one likes to spend a night like this outside when they can be warm and cozy inside. With the exception of a few random cars and one psychotic biker, I only see one person. They're far in the distance from where I'm walking, but they don't seem to be moving. What are they doing? It's hard enough to stay warm out here while you're moving and exerting energy, but standing still? They must be nuts.
As I get closer, I can see that it's a woman and she's crying. Is she lost? Did she lose someone else? What is wrong? I'm only a few yards from her now and can see her much clearer. As the thickness of snow in the air clears before me, I can see that she is not standing on the sidewalk of the bridge, but over the edge. 'Holy shit,' I think, 'she's going to kill herself.'
"Excuse me?" I say without thinking, now only three feet away from her at most.
She practically whips around in shock that someone is on the bridge or even acknowledging her at all. Based on her current circumstances, I'm guessing she doesn't get much acknowledgement.
She doesn't say anything, only whimpers in recognition. I have to say something else.
"Are you okay?" Dumb fucking question, jackass, clearly not.
She shakes her head rapidly as more tears stream down her cheeks. A car passes us quickly and in the swift second that the headlights shine over us, I get a clear look of her face. Wow, she is beautiful. Tragically beautiful. She's wearing a thick winter coat with a scarf and knitted hat. She has long, brown hair that is basically frosted from the snow and her face looks like that of a porcelain doll. She's flawless.
'Well, clearly not, jackass' my subconscious screams at me. 'Do something.'
"I can help you," I coax, stepping closer to her but not too close to scare her. "I want to help you." These kind words must be alien to her.
"You can't," she almost whispers, her voice raspy and hoarse.
"Why not?" I ask.
"You don't know me," she says, which causes more tears to run down her milky face.
"I'd like to," I say wholeheartedly, "You're very beautiful."
I can practically see her stop breathing. She blinks at me a few times before responding.
"Thank you," she mouths to me, but no sound comes out.
"Would you like to go for a coffee?" I ask, somehow forgetting that she's not really looking for a date but for something else.
A look of confusion and surprise spreads across her face. Damn, it's cold. I can feel myself beginning to shiver and my teeth chattering. I step closer towards her and decide to take a risk. I put my gloved hand over ungloved hand that's holding onto the metal railing. "Please," I whisper, and a tear from her cheek falls onto my leather glove. It seems impossible to me that she could still be crying because of the temperature, but then I'm proven wrong by my own tears falling from my eyes. Why am I crying? I look into her eyes and I have my answer.
I'm crying because this is a woman I know I could truly love, and I may not have the chance.
As she's looking into my eyes, tears still flowing, she closes hers, squeezing them tightly. She moves a little to the right and carefully turns around so she's fully facing me. She pulls her legs up over the railing and climbs over so she's only inches away from me. 'She's safe. You did it.' my subconscious whispers. Impulsively, before I can stop myself, I'm kissing her. I pull her close to me, and regardless of how cold she is her body heat feels so good radiating onto me. The kiss isn't exactly passionate, although it kind of feels that way, it's just more of a thank you. A promise, even.
I pull away and slowly open my eyes to see she's looking at me.
"I got fired tonight and I don't know where my car is."
And for the first time I hear her laugh, and I swear to god it's the most heavenly noise I've ever heard in my life.
"My mother just died," she says after she stops laughing. "Cancer." No one's laughing now.
"I'm... I'm so sorry," I say. 'Don't cry,' I have to mentally tell myself, 'Be strong for her.'
"I feel a bit better now," she whispers, and kisses me.
When she pulls away I can't help but smile. It's a smile that spreads all the way up to my ears, and I finally see some color flush into her face.
"Coffee?" I ask.
"Yes, please."
We begin to walk off the bridge in the direction I came.
"I'm Jonathan, by the way."
"I'm Susie."
By the time I finish the story, I realize I'm in Alice's room and I'm crying. So is she. She's staring at me with a little more life in her eyes than before.
"It was... mom?" She asks.
"Yes, Ali. It was mom."
She begins to sob now, uncontrollable sobs that cause her to collapse onto my lap, her muscles numb with pain and her heart finally allowing her body to release the ache.
"I'm sorry, dad," she says in between sobs.
"Don't be sorry, Ali," I reassure her, unable to contain myself as well. "Twenty years ago, if your mother had jumped off that bridge I wouldn't have met her. Hell, I may have even killed myself too. And in that case, you wouldn't have been born, and either way your mother and I would be miserable or dead. You need to see how important you are," I can barely speak I'm crying so hard. I haven't cried this much since that night twenty years ago. "You are our reason for living, Alice, you are always someone's reason for living. And one day, you'll be someone else's, too."
I allow her to cry in my lap for what seems like forever but is probably only a half hour. After she is done, she falls asleep in my lap. I think I follow.
It's probably midnight now, and I wake up in Ali's bed with her laying next to me, sleeping a soft, deep sleep. I quietly get up from her bed and look at the clock. Yup, 12:15. I walk out of her room and head downstairs. There's one dim light coming from the kitchen where I can hear Susie making coffee. She must have gotten home while we were sleeping. I enter the kitchen and see her in her robe and slippers, just as beautiful as the day I met her. I can't stop myself, not that I'd want to, from throwing myself at her completely. I grab the back of her head and the small of her back as she turns to acknowledge me, cutting her off from any 'hello' I was about to receive. I kiss her with more passion than I think I've felt in years. God, I love this woman, and it took so much for it to be re-imprinted into my mind. I am so, so lucky to have not only one, but two incredible women in my life. I didn't save Susie that day twenty years ago, she saved me, and I am pouring all of those feelings and more into this one, single kiss.
When I finally pull away, I stare down into those two beautiful eyes I've loved since day one.
"I love you," I whisper, not looking away from her for a second.
"I love you, too, Jon." She's smiling. "What's wrong?"
I pull her into my arms.
"It's a long story, I won't bother you with it now. I just need you to know how much you mean to me, and how happy I am you're alive."
A light bulb must click on in her head, and another half smile spreads across her face.
"I have you to thank for that, Mr. Morris."
"Quite the contrary, Mrs. Morris." I kiss her again, but this time it's soft and lovely. "Let's go to bed."
I switch off the kitchen light as we head up the stairs and I can faintly see from the living room window that the city is being lightly blanketed with a sheet of soft, fluffy snow.
"How did you get these pills, Alice?"
"Someone at school."
"You're sixteen, how could you..."
"Dad, please. Just leave me alone for now."
"Ali, I'm sorry. I... I'll be right back."
I stand from her bed and uneasily walk toward the door. I seem to be seeing three of everything. Oh god, this is heart-wrenching. Where's Susie? It seemed so impossible that my sixteen-year-old daughter could be suicidal. But it's not impossible. It's not, and I know that. I can't leave her alone right now. What am I doing? I turn on my heel and barge back into her room and find her on the floor weeping silently.
"Ali, baby, please."
She's lying on her back on the hardwood floor with her eyes closed, arms and legs mindlessly sprawled out and tears streaming down her ice cold cheeks.
After a moment, she opens her eyes and looks at me. Nothing but sheer pain and grief in her eyes.
"Dad-"
"No, Ali," I cut her off, "Please, just listen to me. Can we sit?"
"Okay," she says dryly.
We sit lifelessly on the bed next to each other, and I brush a piece of hair behind her ear. I look into her eyes and see the pure sadness and hatred she must be feeling. This is real, I think, she's not overreacting. I need to help her. There is no pain greater than that which you see your daughter's ultimate unwillingness to be alive.
"I have a story I'd like to share with you, Ali."
She gives me a slight nod while blinking slowly, looking awfully exhausted and run-down.
"Okay, well..." My mind wanders. I'm pulled back to a time twenty years ago.
"You're fired. I'm sorry. But you have to go."
"Mr. Donaley I just don't understand, and either do you! I need this job!"
"Jonathan, we're going to ask you to leave now and if you don't we'll call security to escort you out."
"Okay. Fine."
I walk out of the building and it's freezing. The snow is coming down lightly but the air feels like daggers slicing through me. I fumble with my keys trying to find the right one for my car while walking through the parking garage to what was formally known as my parking spot.
"Fired. I just got fired." I say audibly to myself. I can't believe it. I need to force myself to process it, but I can't. When I get to my spot, my car isn't there.
"WHAT THE FUCK!" I scream, causing my voice to echo loudly through the vacant garage.
I now have no job, no idea where my car is, and no money to get it back anyway. What else can you expect in the city, right?
"Fucking awesome," I mutter as I walk towards the exit of the garage, "It's gonna be a long ass walk home."
I walk through the city as mother nature blankets it with soft, fluffy snow. It's about six pm and already dark. I'll have to walk about three more blocks, cross the bridge, and then two more blocks and then I'll be home. Home sweet home. My shitty one bedroom apartment with barely any heat which, hey, I won't even be able to afford soon! Can't wait!
It doesn't seem like that far of a walk, but in the crisp, rigid winter air, it's a journey.
As I get to the bridge, I can see that it's basically empty. No one likes to spend a night like this outside when they can be warm and cozy inside. With the exception of a few random cars and one psychotic biker, I only see one person. They're far in the distance from where I'm walking, but they don't seem to be moving. What are they doing? It's hard enough to stay warm out here while you're moving and exerting energy, but standing still? They must be nuts.
As I get closer, I can see that it's a woman and she's crying. Is she lost? Did she lose someone else? What is wrong? I'm only a few yards from her now and can see her much clearer. As the thickness of snow in the air clears before me, I can see that she is not standing on the sidewalk of the bridge, but over the edge. 'Holy shit,' I think, 'she's going to kill herself.'
"Excuse me?" I say without thinking, now only three feet away from her at most.
She practically whips around in shock that someone is on the bridge or even acknowledging her at all. Based on her current circumstances, I'm guessing she doesn't get much acknowledgement.
She doesn't say anything, only whimpers in recognition. I have to say something else.
"Are you okay?" Dumb fucking question, jackass, clearly not.
She shakes her head rapidly as more tears stream down her cheeks. A car passes us quickly and in the swift second that the headlights shine over us, I get a clear look of her face. Wow, she is beautiful. Tragically beautiful. She's wearing a thick winter coat with a scarf and knitted hat. She has long, brown hair that is basically frosted from the snow and her face looks like that of a porcelain doll. She's flawless.
'Well, clearly not, jackass' my subconscious screams at me. 'Do something.'
"I can help you," I coax, stepping closer to her but not too close to scare her. "I want to help you." These kind words must be alien to her.
"You can't," she almost whispers, her voice raspy and hoarse.
"Why not?" I ask.
"You don't know me," she says, which causes more tears to run down her milky face.
"I'd like to," I say wholeheartedly, "You're very beautiful."
I can practically see her stop breathing. She blinks at me a few times before responding.
"Thank you," she mouths to me, but no sound comes out.
"Would you like to go for a coffee?" I ask, somehow forgetting that she's not really looking for a date but for something else.
A look of confusion and surprise spreads across her face. Damn, it's cold. I can feel myself beginning to shiver and my teeth chattering. I step closer towards her and decide to take a risk. I put my gloved hand over ungloved hand that's holding onto the metal railing. "Please," I whisper, and a tear from her cheek falls onto my leather glove. It seems impossible to me that she could still be crying because of the temperature, but then I'm proven wrong by my own tears falling from my eyes. Why am I crying? I look into her eyes and I have my answer.
I'm crying because this is a woman I know I could truly love, and I may not have the chance.
As she's looking into my eyes, tears still flowing, she closes hers, squeezing them tightly. She moves a little to the right and carefully turns around so she's fully facing me. She pulls her legs up over the railing and climbs over so she's only inches away from me. 'She's safe. You did it.' my subconscious whispers. Impulsively, before I can stop myself, I'm kissing her. I pull her close to me, and regardless of how cold she is her body heat feels so good radiating onto me. The kiss isn't exactly passionate, although it kind of feels that way, it's just more of a thank you. A promise, even.
I pull away and slowly open my eyes to see she's looking at me.
"I got fired tonight and I don't know where my car is."
And for the first time I hear her laugh, and I swear to god it's the most heavenly noise I've ever heard in my life.
"My mother just died," she says after she stops laughing. "Cancer." No one's laughing now.
"I'm... I'm so sorry," I say. 'Don't cry,' I have to mentally tell myself, 'Be strong for her.'
"I feel a bit better now," she whispers, and kisses me.
When she pulls away I can't help but smile. It's a smile that spreads all the way up to my ears, and I finally see some color flush into her face.
"Coffee?" I ask.
"Yes, please."
We begin to walk off the bridge in the direction I came.
"I'm Jonathan, by the way."
"I'm Susie."
By the time I finish the story, I realize I'm in Alice's room and I'm crying. So is she. She's staring at me with a little more life in her eyes than before.
"It was... mom?" She asks.
"Yes, Ali. It was mom."
She begins to sob now, uncontrollable sobs that cause her to collapse onto my lap, her muscles numb with pain and her heart finally allowing her body to release the ache.
"I'm sorry, dad," she says in between sobs.
"Don't be sorry, Ali," I reassure her, unable to contain myself as well. "Twenty years ago, if your mother had jumped off that bridge I wouldn't have met her. Hell, I may have even killed myself too. And in that case, you wouldn't have been born, and either way your mother and I would be miserable or dead. You need to see how important you are," I can barely speak I'm crying so hard. I haven't cried this much since that night twenty years ago. "You are our reason for living, Alice, you are always someone's reason for living. And one day, you'll be someone else's, too."
I allow her to cry in my lap for what seems like forever but is probably only a half hour. After she is done, she falls asleep in my lap. I think I follow.
It's probably midnight now, and I wake up in Ali's bed with her laying next to me, sleeping a soft, deep sleep. I quietly get up from her bed and look at the clock. Yup, 12:15. I walk out of her room and head downstairs. There's one dim light coming from the kitchen where I can hear Susie making coffee. She must have gotten home while we were sleeping. I enter the kitchen and see her in her robe and slippers, just as beautiful as the day I met her. I can't stop myself, not that I'd want to, from throwing myself at her completely. I grab the back of her head and the small of her back as she turns to acknowledge me, cutting her off from any 'hello' I was about to receive. I kiss her with more passion than I think I've felt in years. God, I love this woman, and it took so much for it to be re-imprinted into my mind. I am so, so lucky to have not only one, but two incredible women in my life. I didn't save Susie that day twenty years ago, she saved me, and I am pouring all of those feelings and more into this one, single kiss.
When I finally pull away, I stare down into those two beautiful eyes I've loved since day one.
"I love you," I whisper, not looking away from her for a second.
"I love you, too, Jon." She's smiling. "What's wrong?"
I pull her into my arms.
"It's a long story, I won't bother you with it now. I just need you to know how much you mean to me, and how happy I am you're alive."
A light bulb must click on in her head, and another half smile spreads across her face.
"I have you to thank for that, Mr. Morris."
"Quite the contrary, Mrs. Morris." I kiss her again, but this time it's soft and lovely. "Let's go to bed."
I switch off the kitchen light as we head up the stairs and I can faintly see from the living room window that the city is being lightly blanketed with a sheet of soft, fluffy snow.
Plum
"Is all you do draw in that stupid notebook?"
"Yes, Kate, you know that."
She looks back down at her history notebook with an uneasy look.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
"Not really," she says with her eyes beginning to tear.
Oh no, I think, please don't cry. Whenever Kate cries, my heart aches. It's like watching your dreams die or a puppy getting put down or... or like watching your very best friend in the world cry.
"Kate, Kate what's wrong?" I say more alarmed now, getting up from the bed to approach her on the adjacent one.
"I don't know. I think... I think I just miss Dean," she says with a sigh as the tears stream down her rosy cheeks.
"Kate, you don't need him, you know that. He's a jackass, and he doesn't deserve you after what he did."
"I know," she replies, "it's just hard to think that he could do that to me."
"I know," I comfort as I kneel in front of her, "but you're strong enough to move on from this. I know it's hard and I know you were together for a long time, but it will be okay."
She cracks a small smile which causes me to crack a big one. I stand up, "Now, finish your history paper so we can get to the party on time." I wink at her and return to her roommate's bed to sketch in my book. As I rest onto the mattress, my mind begins to wander.
"Craig, Dean cheated on me."
"What?"
"He's been sleeping with that bitch Jade for months now," she choked out in between breaths,"how! How could he do it!?"
I was breathless. What could I say? What could I do? So I didn't say anything. I just stared at her. I was mentally paralyzed and it killed me that I couldn't help her.
"Three years, Craig. Three. And he cheated and left. He didn't even give me the time of day to ask..."
I finally answered.
"I love you."
"What?"
What... what the fuck did I just say. Holy shit. Fix it. Fix it!
"I just... you're my best friend. And you know I love you. And I'm sorry I can't help you or change this."
"Oh, well, I love you too. I didn't know if that's what you meant..."
"Yeah, sorry."
That's not what I meant.
"Craig, are you dead?"
"What?" I am sharply pulled from my reverie.
"I said I'm done and let's go, put your stupid doodles down and get up."
I can't help but smile when Kate tries to be rude to me. As she puts on her jacket she puts one hand underneath all of her hair at the back of her neck and pulls it out of her coat. It falls delicately all the way down to the small of her back in smooth, sleek tendrils. Even in the dim lighting of her dorm room, it has a rich, golden glow to it which almost illuminates her beautiful face.
"CRAIG."
Shit, I'm staring.
"Sorry, let's go."
"Kate, Craig, I'm so happy you're here, I need you guys."
"Of course we're here, Lea, we wouldn't miss your rehearsal dinner. You're like a sister to me!"
Lea laughs, "Thanks, Craig. Kate, my real sister, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Sure," she shoots me a small smile which ignites her eyes with beauty and sends a shiver down my spine. I stand awkwardly by the door just thinking about Kate. I can't wait until she takes her jacket off, I think, knowing she's wearing a beautiful dress underneath that will make her elegant charm stand out even more than it already does.
"Hey," she says as she appears next to me.
"Hey, you."
Her face floods with a shade of red and she looks down at her shoes.
"You look really nice in a tux, Craig," she says from under her long eyelashes. I think my heart skips a beat.
"Thank you, Kaitlyn." She shoves my arm teasingly acknowledging the fact that I used her full name which she hates.
"Let's go sit," she demands, and I happily comply.
"I just want to thank you all for coming tonight. We're excited to see you all again tomorrow! Right now, we're gonna skip over the boring stuff and just eat," everyone breaks out into short laughter. "Then you can enjoy the rest of the night on the dance floor or with more food! Thanks again, everybody." Everyone claps for Lea and the entrees begin to be served by multiple waiters in matching penguin suits.
"Aren't you going to take your coat off?" I ask anxiously but nonchalantly. With a fork full of steak, she replies, "It's cold in here." She looks so silly eating a steak with a heavy winter coat on.
"Kate, take my jacket, you don't need to be wearing that snow suit while you eat."
She giggles and smiles and pushes her chair back to take off her jacket. I stand up and unbutton mine, sliding it off my shoulders but never taking my eyes off of her. She pulls the thick coat off her shoulders and stands up to put it on the back of her chair. She's wearing a deep, plum colored dress that cinches at the waist. It's one-shouldered with a jeweled detailing on the top and hugs her natural curves in all the right ways and places. It comes down just above her knees and matches perfectly with the plum colored pumps she's wearing on her feet. The silver necklace that rests on her collarbone is the one I gave her for Christmas last year with a small diamond pendant. Her hair falls back into place around her shoulders and down her back with a stray tendril falling onto her face. I instinctively reach out and brush it behind her ear. I feel her face inflame with heat under my hand. I want to brush her cheek with my hand and feel her smooth, soft skin on mine but stop myself. Unfortunately, I can't stop my mouth.
"Kate, you look radiant."
Her eyes shoot up to meet mine with her lips parted. What is that expression? Is she surprised, angry, repelled? What?
"I could say the same to you, sir."
I choke out a small laugh and feel my own face blush. Oh god, I gotta sit down. I hand her the coat and sit. Stop looking at her.
I effectively stop my mouth from speaking and eyes from averting back to her and am left to eat my dinner as my mind screams at me.
After dinner is finished, Kate and I sit at the empty table and watch Lea and her fiance embracing each other on the dance floor.
"Do you like him?" She asks me.
"Dave? Yes, very much. Don't you?"
"Yes, I just needed some reassurance," she breathes as she speaks and sits back in her chair. "They look beautiful together." I look down at her and forget who she's talking about for a moment.
"Yes, they do." Oh, not us.
"Do you wanna dance?" She asks, and I'm almost giddy that she does.
"Sure would, madam."
She smiles up at me and stands from her chair. I do the same and bravely hold my hand out for hers. She grabs it and I swear my heart stops.
As we step out onto the dance floor, Kate's heel clips the side of a chair and she stumbles losing her balance. I turn just in time to see her falling and throw out my arms to grab her. She falls into them with her head on my chest, breathing heavily.
"Are you okay?" I breathe into her ear, my heart racing.
"Yes," she whispers but still not moving from my grasp. I get down onto my knees still cradling her in my arms and move her hair out of her face. Finally, I see her big brown eyes blazing in the dull lighting and my body wakes up.
"You're so clumsy Kate Thompson." She giggles and begins to get up which makes my blood run cold. Lost your chance, idiot.
"You sure you're okay?" I ask.
"Yes, dad, I'm fine." She says jokingly and grabs my hand to lead my to the dance floor.
I turn and put my hands on her hips and purposefully pull her a little closer than needed. She looks so indescribably beautiful, it's almost painful.
"Craig?"
"Yes, Kate?"
"I can't stop thinking about Dean."
Ouch, not what I was expecting. What? It feels like a knife to my heart. For some reason, I don't feel bad for her right now, I don't feel like I should comfort her. I'm angry. I'm hurt and betrayed and offended. Why doesn't she want me? Why? I'm right here! Why?
"You know what, Kate," I drop my hands from her hips and a puzzled look spreads across her face. "I clearly can't help you." I don't know what happens, but I walk away from her. Further and further from her lonely disposition on the dance floor and out of the main hall into the entry way.
What are you doing? My mind screams at me. She's in there lonely and vulnerable and you're going to leave her? Then the other half of my mind chimes in making my head hurt. She clearly doesn't want you. If she did, you'd know it and she wouldn't be talking about Dean. Move on. God, it hurts. All of it. My head, my heart, ah! I can't stand it. I can't do it.
"Craig," she halts my racing thoughts and all the pain slips away. I turn to face her, knowing she's behind me waiting for me to explain.
I turn, exhausted and defeated and look into her eyes. They're not ignited with beauty as usual. They're mirroring mine; exhaust and defeat overtaking them.
"Listen, Kate, I can't listen to it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have walked out on you, but I just can't."
"Can't what? What do you mean?"
I sigh, I have to do it.
"I can't listen to you talk about Dean. You shouldn't miss him. You don't need him. You... you have me. You need me."
"I know I do."
"And he hurt you so bad, why would you miss him? I would never do that to you. I would... what?"
A smile spreads across her face and it's as if an electric shock has struck me. What did she say?
"I love you too, Craig."
I can't help but think about two weeks ago.
"I love you."
"What?"
What... what the fuck did I just say. Holy shit. Fix it. Fix it!
"I just... you're my best friend. And you know I love you. And I'm sorry I can't help you or change this."
No more lying. No. Not now. Time to put it all on the line.
"Kate, I've loved you for a long time and --"
"Craig," she interrupts me.
"What?" I almost snap.
And just like that, she's kissing me. She leans up on her toes, even in heels she can't reach me, and finds my mouth with hers. It's like every moment of my life runs through my head in a flash the moment she connects her lips with mine. It's as though I'm awakened and I've been sleeping this whole time. I realize that this may be the one and only time this could happen, and it forces me to return the kiss wholeheartedly and passionately. I grab her waist with my left hand and pull her forcefully into me while grabbing her soft, glossy hair with my right. Her hands are on my neck and in my hair and our kiss is radiating with fervor and need. God, this feels so good. The kiss is so passionate I think I momentarily forget where I am and melt completely into Kate.
"Oh, Craig, I've wanted this for so long," she breathes against my mouth and I anxiously connect my lips with hers yet again, not ready to stop.
Eventually, we do, and we rest our foreheads against one another breathing heavily.
"God, Kate, you amaze me."
She pulls away from me and I look at the same Kate I saw before; radiating with beauty and charm.
She smiles at me and places a soft kiss on my lips, causing my body to go numb, and my brain as well, apparently.
"Marry me," I spit out. What the hell? Why did I say that? Because you meant it.
She looks shocked, I scared her away. Oh god, what is she going to do? Run? Leave? Not talk to me anymore? Thankfully, she pulls me from my thoughts with a word before I die from anxiety.
"Okay," she mutters.
My tense muscles all relax at the same time and I feel the corners of my mouth twitch into a smile. Finally.
"Yes, Kate, you know that."
She looks back down at her history notebook with an uneasy look.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
"Not really," she says with her eyes beginning to tear.
Oh no, I think, please don't cry. Whenever Kate cries, my heart aches. It's like watching your dreams die or a puppy getting put down or... or like watching your very best friend in the world cry.
"Kate, Kate what's wrong?" I say more alarmed now, getting up from the bed to approach her on the adjacent one.
"I don't know. I think... I think I just miss Dean," she says with a sigh as the tears stream down her rosy cheeks.
"Kate, you don't need him, you know that. He's a jackass, and he doesn't deserve you after what he did."
"I know," she replies, "it's just hard to think that he could do that to me."
"I know," I comfort as I kneel in front of her, "but you're strong enough to move on from this. I know it's hard and I know you were together for a long time, but it will be okay."
She cracks a small smile which causes me to crack a big one. I stand up, "Now, finish your history paper so we can get to the party on time." I wink at her and return to her roommate's bed to sketch in my book. As I rest onto the mattress, my mind begins to wander.
"Craig, Dean cheated on me."
"What?"
"He's been sleeping with that bitch Jade for months now," she choked out in between breaths,"how! How could he do it!?"
I was breathless. What could I say? What could I do? So I didn't say anything. I just stared at her. I was mentally paralyzed and it killed me that I couldn't help her.
"Three years, Craig. Three. And he cheated and left. He didn't even give me the time of day to ask..."
I finally answered.
"I love you."
"What?"
What... what the fuck did I just say. Holy shit. Fix it. Fix it!
"I just... you're my best friend. And you know I love you. And I'm sorry I can't help you or change this."
"Oh, well, I love you too. I didn't know if that's what you meant..."
"Yeah, sorry."
That's not what I meant.
"Craig, are you dead?"
"What?" I am sharply pulled from my reverie.
"I said I'm done and let's go, put your stupid doodles down and get up."
I can't help but smile when Kate tries to be rude to me. As she puts on her jacket she puts one hand underneath all of her hair at the back of her neck and pulls it out of her coat. It falls delicately all the way down to the small of her back in smooth, sleek tendrils. Even in the dim lighting of her dorm room, it has a rich, golden glow to it which almost illuminates her beautiful face.
"CRAIG."
Shit, I'm staring.
"Sorry, let's go."
"Kate, Craig, I'm so happy you're here, I need you guys."
"Of course we're here, Lea, we wouldn't miss your rehearsal dinner. You're like a sister to me!"
Lea laughs, "Thanks, Craig. Kate, my real sister, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Sure," she shoots me a small smile which ignites her eyes with beauty and sends a shiver down my spine. I stand awkwardly by the door just thinking about Kate. I can't wait until she takes her jacket off, I think, knowing she's wearing a beautiful dress underneath that will make her elegant charm stand out even more than it already does.
"Hey," she says as she appears next to me.
"Hey, you."
Her face floods with a shade of red and she looks down at her shoes.
"You look really nice in a tux, Craig," she says from under her long eyelashes. I think my heart skips a beat.
"Thank you, Kaitlyn." She shoves my arm teasingly acknowledging the fact that I used her full name which she hates.
"Let's go sit," she demands, and I happily comply.
"I just want to thank you all for coming tonight. We're excited to see you all again tomorrow! Right now, we're gonna skip over the boring stuff and just eat," everyone breaks out into short laughter. "Then you can enjoy the rest of the night on the dance floor or with more food! Thanks again, everybody." Everyone claps for Lea and the entrees begin to be served by multiple waiters in matching penguin suits.
"Aren't you going to take your coat off?" I ask anxiously but nonchalantly. With a fork full of steak, she replies, "It's cold in here." She looks so silly eating a steak with a heavy winter coat on.
"Kate, take my jacket, you don't need to be wearing that snow suit while you eat."
She giggles and smiles and pushes her chair back to take off her jacket. I stand up and unbutton mine, sliding it off my shoulders but never taking my eyes off of her. She pulls the thick coat off her shoulders and stands up to put it on the back of her chair. She's wearing a deep, plum colored dress that cinches at the waist. It's one-shouldered with a jeweled detailing on the top and hugs her natural curves in all the right ways and places. It comes down just above her knees and matches perfectly with the plum colored pumps she's wearing on her feet. The silver necklace that rests on her collarbone is the one I gave her for Christmas last year with a small diamond pendant. Her hair falls back into place around her shoulders and down her back with a stray tendril falling onto her face. I instinctively reach out and brush it behind her ear. I feel her face inflame with heat under my hand. I want to brush her cheek with my hand and feel her smooth, soft skin on mine but stop myself. Unfortunately, I can't stop my mouth.
"Kate, you look radiant."
Her eyes shoot up to meet mine with her lips parted. What is that expression? Is she surprised, angry, repelled? What?
"I could say the same to you, sir."
I choke out a small laugh and feel my own face blush. Oh god, I gotta sit down. I hand her the coat and sit. Stop looking at her.
I effectively stop my mouth from speaking and eyes from averting back to her and am left to eat my dinner as my mind screams at me.
After dinner is finished, Kate and I sit at the empty table and watch Lea and her fiance embracing each other on the dance floor.
"Do you like him?" She asks me.
"Dave? Yes, very much. Don't you?"
"Yes, I just needed some reassurance," she breathes as she speaks and sits back in her chair. "They look beautiful together." I look down at her and forget who she's talking about for a moment.
"Yes, they do." Oh, not us.
"Do you wanna dance?" She asks, and I'm almost giddy that she does.
"Sure would, madam."
She smiles up at me and stands from her chair. I do the same and bravely hold my hand out for hers. She grabs it and I swear my heart stops.
As we step out onto the dance floor, Kate's heel clips the side of a chair and she stumbles losing her balance. I turn just in time to see her falling and throw out my arms to grab her. She falls into them with her head on my chest, breathing heavily.
"Are you okay?" I breathe into her ear, my heart racing.
"Yes," she whispers but still not moving from my grasp. I get down onto my knees still cradling her in my arms and move her hair out of her face. Finally, I see her big brown eyes blazing in the dull lighting and my body wakes up.
"You're so clumsy Kate Thompson." She giggles and begins to get up which makes my blood run cold. Lost your chance, idiot.
"You sure you're okay?" I ask.
"Yes, dad, I'm fine." She says jokingly and grabs my hand to lead my to the dance floor.
I turn and put my hands on her hips and purposefully pull her a little closer than needed. She looks so indescribably beautiful, it's almost painful.
"Craig?"
"Yes, Kate?"
"I can't stop thinking about Dean."
Ouch, not what I was expecting. What? It feels like a knife to my heart. For some reason, I don't feel bad for her right now, I don't feel like I should comfort her. I'm angry. I'm hurt and betrayed and offended. Why doesn't she want me? Why? I'm right here! Why?
"You know what, Kate," I drop my hands from her hips and a puzzled look spreads across her face. "I clearly can't help you." I don't know what happens, but I walk away from her. Further and further from her lonely disposition on the dance floor and out of the main hall into the entry way.
What are you doing? My mind screams at me. She's in there lonely and vulnerable and you're going to leave her? Then the other half of my mind chimes in making my head hurt. She clearly doesn't want you. If she did, you'd know it and she wouldn't be talking about Dean. Move on. God, it hurts. All of it. My head, my heart, ah! I can't stand it. I can't do it.
"Craig," she halts my racing thoughts and all the pain slips away. I turn to face her, knowing she's behind me waiting for me to explain.
I turn, exhausted and defeated and look into her eyes. They're not ignited with beauty as usual. They're mirroring mine; exhaust and defeat overtaking them.
"Listen, Kate, I can't listen to it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have walked out on you, but I just can't."
"Can't what? What do you mean?"
I sigh, I have to do it.
"I can't listen to you talk about Dean. You shouldn't miss him. You don't need him. You... you have me. You need me."
"I know I do."
"And he hurt you so bad, why would you miss him? I would never do that to you. I would... what?"
A smile spreads across her face and it's as if an electric shock has struck me. What did she say?
"I love you too, Craig."
I can't help but think about two weeks ago.
"I love you."
"What?"
What... what the fuck did I just say. Holy shit. Fix it. Fix it!
"I just... you're my best friend. And you know I love you. And I'm sorry I can't help you or change this."
No more lying. No. Not now. Time to put it all on the line.
"Kate, I've loved you for a long time and --"
"Craig," she interrupts me.
"What?" I almost snap.
And just like that, she's kissing me. She leans up on her toes, even in heels she can't reach me, and finds my mouth with hers. It's like every moment of my life runs through my head in a flash the moment she connects her lips with mine. It's as though I'm awakened and I've been sleeping this whole time. I realize that this may be the one and only time this could happen, and it forces me to return the kiss wholeheartedly and passionately. I grab her waist with my left hand and pull her forcefully into me while grabbing her soft, glossy hair with my right. Her hands are on my neck and in my hair and our kiss is radiating with fervor and need. God, this feels so good. The kiss is so passionate I think I momentarily forget where I am and melt completely into Kate.
"Oh, Craig, I've wanted this for so long," she breathes against my mouth and I anxiously connect my lips with hers yet again, not ready to stop.
Eventually, we do, and we rest our foreheads against one another breathing heavily.
"God, Kate, you amaze me."
She pulls away from me and I look at the same Kate I saw before; radiating with beauty and charm.
She smiles at me and places a soft kiss on my lips, causing my body to go numb, and my brain as well, apparently.
"Marry me," I spit out. What the hell? Why did I say that? Because you meant it.
She looks shocked, I scared her away. Oh god, what is she going to do? Run? Leave? Not talk to me anymore? Thankfully, she pulls me from my thoughts with a word before I die from anxiety.
"Okay," she mutters.
My tense muscles all relax at the same time and I feel the corners of my mouth twitch into a smile. Finally.
Shaky Hands
"Can you please, please stop fumbling your fingers? It's driving me crazy."
"I'm sorry, Nick! I can't help it."
"You're going to have to stop doing it one of these days, Anastasia."
He cups my twitchy fingers with his warm, soft palm, sending a shiver of electricity throughout my body. I can't focus on my books when I know I'm being held in the safe, strong hands of Nicholas Morgan. He looks up from his notebook and catches me staring.
"Will you please do your Spanish so we can get this over with and go?"
"Will you stop being so bossy?"
"I'm not trying to be, I just really don't wanna be late for dinner because everyone freaked out last time we were."
He takes his hand off mine, sucking all the warmth and life from my body along with it. I break the stare I have at his beautiful, smoky eyes and continue with my meaningless homework.
"Hey guys, we're here!" Nick yells to the rest of the group as we approach our normal booth at Tommy's.
"It's about time," Becky criticizes as we slide onto the seat.
"Were you guys busy making out?" Henry jokes as he nudges Nick.
"For the last time, we're just friends, which is going to change with you all soon if you don't shut up."
Everyone laughs at Nick's joke, including me, but only halfheartedly. We enjoy dinner together as our usual Sunday night. At around 11 pm we all head out.
"Bye, Kate, I'll see you in first period."
"Are you sure you're okay?" Kate asks, grabbing my elbow as I turn to walk to Nick's car.
"Yes, why?"
"You seem a little...out of it tonight. You sure?"
"Yes, Kate. I'll see you tomorrow."
She smiles at me but I can see a hint of disdain on her face. I disregard it and walk to Nick's car.
"That was fun."
"Yeah," I whisper with a cracked, wheezy voice.
"Stop shaking."
I look down at my hands and only then notice that they are fidgeting as usual.
"Sorry," I say, not looking at him and hoping he'll soon direct his attention off me and onto driving me home.
"Well, we're here."
"Yes," I confirm, "Thanks for the ride."
"No problem, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Sure," I say as I open his creaky old truck's door and jump down to the pavement.
"Oh, wait!" I spin back around to his truck getting his attention. "You left your books in my room."
"Right," he says, "I'm coming."
For some reason, those two words assuring his entrance to my bedroom make my heart jump.
We enter my house through the back door to the kitchen and I toss my purse on the kitchen table.
"Mom?" I yell, but hear no response so I assume she's still out at work.
I flip on the light and turn towards Nick, but he's already making his way to my room. He knows his way around my house just as well as his own because we've been friends since childhood. He's the closest friend I have, besides Kate, and I love him very much. Very, verymuch.
"Got 'em?" I ask as I enter the doorway to my bedroom as see him staring at a picture of me and my father.
"Do you ever miss him?"
For some reason, I initially think he's speaking of himself and want to cry out yes, I do, all the time. Please don't leave! But then I realize he's talking about my dad.
"Everyday."
He pauses for a second, as if he's got something to say, but then continues with silence. Eventually, I break it.
"So, uhm... want to study for the anatomy test together tomorrow?"
He looks up at me and advances towards me, standing less than a foot away from me. He's so close, I can practically feel his heart beating. Oh, how I want to just reach out and grab him, hold him against me, feel him against me.
"Anastasia, stop shaking." His voice is so deep and fluent, it comes out of his mouth like a plume of smoke. I can feel it wrap around me, embody me.
"Sorry," I grasp my hands together but can't break the stare I am holding with his deep eyes. Before I know it, he's grabbing my hands, and stepping even closer to me.
"Anastasia, I-" he's cut off by a loud slamming of my front door and two muffled voices screaming at one another. My heart jumps, and I feel Nick tighten his grasp of my hands. I allow my fingers to untangle themselves from each other and fall into the comforting embrace of Nick's. I soon hear one of the voices more clearly to be my mother, figuring the other must be that of her "boyfriend" Keith.
"Get out, Keith! I never want to see you again, you asshole!"
My body clenches as I hear them fighting, reminding me of my childhood.
You're nothing but a worthless whore, Karen, you and that little brat of yours.
She's yours too, Keith, it's about time you step up and take responsibility for her!
I didn't help you make her, and I'm not gonna help you take care of her!
I shudder from the thought of it, but am pulled from my reverie by Nick's smooth voice.
"Ana, are you okay?"
"Yes, yes I'm fine. You should go. You don't have to hear this."
"No," he insists, "It wouldn't be the first time, and I don't believe you're okay."
"Nick," I attempt to argue but he cuts me off.
"Anastasia, your fidgeting gets worse when they fight and I'm worried about you. Please let me stay."
I look in his cold, steel eyes and sigh. Although I don't want him to have to hear this, it's true that it's not the first time, and I would rather him stay.
"Fine, but only for a little while."
I unwillingly break the bond of our hands and walk toward my bed. I sit on the edge, and put my head in my hands.
"Here," he says. I raise my head from my hands and see him holding out my writing textbook. "Thanks for loaning it to me...again. It was hard to concentrate on the lessons themselves knowing you've touched it with those beautiful hands of yours."
My heart immediately jumps directly into my throat and I can feel my mouth drop open. I can see it on his face that he realizes what he just said and scrambles to find the words to cover it up.
"Uh, well, it sounds like they've stopped fighting. I guess I should go."
I jump up from my bed as he heads for my door with his books in his hand, searching for something to say to make him stay. Just for now. Just this night. One thing that will make him see and want what I do.One thing.
"Nick!" I choke out.
He turns and looks at me, an unknown look on his face that I can't seem to decipher.
"Me too," he says, dropping his books to the floor and advancing toward me at what seems like the speed of light. Before I know it I'm in his arms and he's forcefully pressing his lips against mine, parting my mouth with his tongue. It takes a second for me to register what's happening, but I eventually do and let myself melt into him. I run my hands up his neck to his soft, luscious hair and tangle my fingers in it. He moans softly and pulls his mouth from mine, breathing onto my neck.
"Oh, those hands, Ana, I've wanted them on me for so long."
I groan into his ear, and his mouth finds its way back to mine. His one hand is at the back of my head, pulling at my hair and his other at the small of my back pushing me into him.
"Nick," I breathe into his mouth.
"What, baby?" He says in between breaths, still uniting his tongue with mine.
"I think I love you," I whisper, unaware that I'm actually saying it. He pulls away, staring down into my eyes that yearn for him. He doesn't speak for what feels like an eternity but must only be seconds in reality.
"Me too," he smiles as he connects yet again with my lips. He walks, which forces me to stumble backwards, toward my bed and I fall onto its soft, welcoming surface. He's on top of me now, held up by his forearms which are next to my head. One of his legs in between the two of mine, I can feel the heat radiating off of him and it's filling me up. Suddenly, we're disturbed by the annoying vibrating of his cell phone. He collapses his weight on me with a frustrated sigh.
"Ugh, hold on, Ana." He pulls the phone from his pocket and answers. "Hello?...At Anastasia's," my voice rolls off of his tongue like a waterfall and I want to bathe in its beauty. "Yes...yes, I hear you...okay, dad, relax...I'll be home in ten...goodbye." He hangs up the phone and closes his eyes in what I can only guess is disappointment. "I have to go," he says. Those four words stick into my heart like daggers, and I wither away as he climbs off of me and the bed and returns to his feet on the wooden floor.
I follow, standing from the bed and fixing my misshapen self. I look up to see him smiling at me, and a shock pulses through me. Oh, god.
"You're wonderful, Anastasia, you know that?"
I can't help but smile as I feel my face engulf itself in a blushing red.
"I wrote you a note, it's inside your writing book. I was going to wait to do... this until after you read it. But I couldn't wait any longer."
I'm speechless. Completely and utterly speechless.
He walks toward me, taking my right hand in his and bringing it to his mouth. He places a single kiss on my knuckles and exhales. "God, these hands." He kisses it once more and softly drops it to my side. He winks at me, picks up his previously dropped books from the floor, and exits my room without turning back. I stand alone in silence for a moment, coming back into reality. Shit, my mom's home. And she was fighting with Keith before. What happened? As soon as I'm about to run downstairs to my mother, I remember my writing textbook. I turn toward my bed and pick it up from the floor next to it. I open the cover flap and out slides a small note with 'Anastasia' written on the front. I unfold it once and read.
"Good morning, mom!" I say with so much happiness in my voice I think she might think I'm crazy. She's leaning against the kitchen sink with her chin dropped to her chest.
"Mom? Are you okay?"
"Honey, there was an accident."
My jaw clenches and my stomach tightens. Who?
"What-" I barely whisper as she cuts me off.
"Keith. He... he left last night after we fought and..." She can barely finish the sentence. I stop myself from reacting and force her to finish explaining.
"Mom, tell me. What happened? Was anyone hurt?"
She nods.
"Who?"
She shakes her head as she continues to sob.
"Mom, who!" I practically yell at her.
"Keith... he's... gone."
I think my heart stops.
"Anyone else?" I compose myself. I need to know. What if...
She nods.
Oh, God.
"Who?" I whisper.
"Nick," she mouths, and I think my heart basically explodes along with the rest of my organs and emotions. My mother grabs me and wraps me in her arms as I scream in sheer horror.
"No! No, mom! No! He can't be gone! No!" I'm screaming, sobbing, breathing and pulling at my mom's arms all at the same time. I can hear her trying to sooth me but everything is on mute. The world is gone. Nothing is right. No, he can't be gone, she's wrong. This isn't true. I have to get out of here. I break free from her grasp and run upstairs. Collapsing on my floor, and releasing myself, finally. I don't know quite how long the tears flow for, but I drift off into a long sleep shortly after.
~~~
"Essays are due on Friday. Don't forget everything we just learned on paragraph structure, it's very important for your grade. You may begin them now with the remaining time in class."
I disregard everything the teacher is saying and open my notebook.Paragraph structure. What is that? I open my writing textbook and feel a shooting pain in my chest. Nick's note. It's no longer in here, but I remember the night I found it. Before I can stop myself, I'm flipping through each of the textbook pages trying to find another love note from Nick in the margins, but to no avail. I stop and lean back in my chair, hands on my desk, heart in my stomach. Mrs. James approaches me.
"Anastasia, are you okay?"
"Yes," I manage to choke out.
"Alright, but your hands are fidgeting rather much. Would you like to go to the nurse?"
Her words pierce through me.
Anastasia, stop shaking.
Oh, those hands, Ana, I've wanted them on me for so long.
I spend the majority of my time thinking about your beautiful hands.
I stare blankly at her, having nothing but an empty shell of a human to offer. I stand up, holding her gaze the entire time and exit the room, not saying a word.
"I'm sorry, Nick! I can't help it."
"You're going to have to stop doing it one of these days, Anastasia."
He cups my twitchy fingers with his warm, soft palm, sending a shiver of electricity throughout my body. I can't focus on my books when I know I'm being held in the safe, strong hands of Nicholas Morgan. He looks up from his notebook and catches me staring.
"Will you please do your Spanish so we can get this over with and go?"
"Will you stop being so bossy?"
"I'm not trying to be, I just really don't wanna be late for dinner because everyone freaked out last time we were."
He takes his hand off mine, sucking all the warmth and life from my body along with it. I break the stare I have at his beautiful, smoky eyes and continue with my meaningless homework.
"Hey guys, we're here!" Nick yells to the rest of the group as we approach our normal booth at Tommy's.
"It's about time," Becky criticizes as we slide onto the seat.
"Were you guys busy making out?" Henry jokes as he nudges Nick.
"For the last time, we're just friends, which is going to change with you all soon if you don't shut up."
Everyone laughs at Nick's joke, including me, but only halfheartedly. We enjoy dinner together as our usual Sunday night. At around 11 pm we all head out.
"Bye, Kate, I'll see you in first period."
"Are you sure you're okay?" Kate asks, grabbing my elbow as I turn to walk to Nick's car.
"Yes, why?"
"You seem a little...out of it tonight. You sure?"
"Yes, Kate. I'll see you tomorrow."
She smiles at me but I can see a hint of disdain on her face. I disregard it and walk to Nick's car.
"That was fun."
"Yeah," I whisper with a cracked, wheezy voice.
"Stop shaking."
I look down at my hands and only then notice that they are fidgeting as usual.
"Sorry," I say, not looking at him and hoping he'll soon direct his attention off me and onto driving me home.
"Well, we're here."
"Yes," I confirm, "Thanks for the ride."
"No problem, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Sure," I say as I open his creaky old truck's door and jump down to the pavement.
"Oh, wait!" I spin back around to his truck getting his attention. "You left your books in my room."
"Right," he says, "I'm coming."
For some reason, those two words assuring his entrance to my bedroom make my heart jump.
We enter my house through the back door to the kitchen and I toss my purse on the kitchen table.
"Mom?" I yell, but hear no response so I assume she's still out at work.
I flip on the light and turn towards Nick, but he's already making his way to my room. He knows his way around my house just as well as his own because we've been friends since childhood. He's the closest friend I have, besides Kate, and I love him very much. Very, verymuch.
"Got 'em?" I ask as I enter the doorway to my bedroom as see him staring at a picture of me and my father.
"Do you ever miss him?"
For some reason, I initially think he's speaking of himself and want to cry out yes, I do, all the time. Please don't leave! But then I realize he's talking about my dad.
"Everyday."
He pauses for a second, as if he's got something to say, but then continues with silence. Eventually, I break it.
"So, uhm... want to study for the anatomy test together tomorrow?"
He looks up at me and advances towards me, standing less than a foot away from me. He's so close, I can practically feel his heart beating. Oh, how I want to just reach out and grab him, hold him against me, feel him against me.
"Anastasia, stop shaking." His voice is so deep and fluent, it comes out of his mouth like a plume of smoke. I can feel it wrap around me, embody me.
"Sorry," I grasp my hands together but can't break the stare I am holding with his deep eyes. Before I know it, he's grabbing my hands, and stepping even closer to me.
"Anastasia, I-" he's cut off by a loud slamming of my front door and two muffled voices screaming at one another. My heart jumps, and I feel Nick tighten his grasp of my hands. I allow my fingers to untangle themselves from each other and fall into the comforting embrace of Nick's. I soon hear one of the voices more clearly to be my mother, figuring the other must be that of her "boyfriend" Keith.
"Get out, Keith! I never want to see you again, you asshole!"
My body clenches as I hear them fighting, reminding me of my childhood.
You're nothing but a worthless whore, Karen, you and that little brat of yours.
She's yours too, Keith, it's about time you step up and take responsibility for her!
I didn't help you make her, and I'm not gonna help you take care of her!
I shudder from the thought of it, but am pulled from my reverie by Nick's smooth voice.
"Ana, are you okay?"
"Yes, yes I'm fine. You should go. You don't have to hear this."
"No," he insists, "It wouldn't be the first time, and I don't believe you're okay."
"Nick," I attempt to argue but he cuts me off.
"Anastasia, your fidgeting gets worse when they fight and I'm worried about you. Please let me stay."
I look in his cold, steel eyes and sigh. Although I don't want him to have to hear this, it's true that it's not the first time, and I would rather him stay.
"Fine, but only for a little while."
I unwillingly break the bond of our hands and walk toward my bed. I sit on the edge, and put my head in my hands.
"Here," he says. I raise my head from my hands and see him holding out my writing textbook. "Thanks for loaning it to me...again. It was hard to concentrate on the lessons themselves knowing you've touched it with those beautiful hands of yours."
My heart immediately jumps directly into my throat and I can feel my mouth drop open. I can see it on his face that he realizes what he just said and scrambles to find the words to cover it up.
"Uh, well, it sounds like they've stopped fighting. I guess I should go."
I jump up from my bed as he heads for my door with his books in his hand, searching for something to say to make him stay. Just for now. Just this night. One thing that will make him see and want what I do.One thing.
"Nick!" I choke out.
He turns and looks at me, an unknown look on his face that I can't seem to decipher.
"Me too," he says, dropping his books to the floor and advancing toward me at what seems like the speed of light. Before I know it I'm in his arms and he's forcefully pressing his lips against mine, parting my mouth with his tongue. It takes a second for me to register what's happening, but I eventually do and let myself melt into him. I run my hands up his neck to his soft, luscious hair and tangle my fingers in it. He moans softly and pulls his mouth from mine, breathing onto my neck.
"Oh, those hands, Ana, I've wanted them on me for so long."
I groan into his ear, and his mouth finds its way back to mine. His one hand is at the back of my head, pulling at my hair and his other at the small of my back pushing me into him.
"Nick," I breathe into his mouth.
"What, baby?" He says in between breaths, still uniting his tongue with mine.
"I think I love you," I whisper, unaware that I'm actually saying it. He pulls away, staring down into my eyes that yearn for him. He doesn't speak for what feels like an eternity but must only be seconds in reality.
"Me too," he smiles as he connects yet again with my lips. He walks, which forces me to stumble backwards, toward my bed and I fall onto its soft, welcoming surface. He's on top of me now, held up by his forearms which are next to my head. One of his legs in between the two of mine, I can feel the heat radiating off of him and it's filling me up. Suddenly, we're disturbed by the annoying vibrating of his cell phone. He collapses his weight on me with a frustrated sigh.
"Ugh, hold on, Ana." He pulls the phone from his pocket and answers. "Hello?...At Anastasia's," my voice rolls off of his tongue like a waterfall and I want to bathe in its beauty. "Yes...yes, I hear you...okay, dad, relax...I'll be home in ten...goodbye." He hangs up the phone and closes his eyes in what I can only guess is disappointment. "I have to go," he says. Those four words stick into my heart like daggers, and I wither away as he climbs off of me and the bed and returns to his feet on the wooden floor.
I follow, standing from the bed and fixing my misshapen self. I look up to see him smiling at me, and a shock pulses through me. Oh, god.
"You're wonderful, Anastasia, you know that?"
I can't help but smile as I feel my face engulf itself in a blushing red.
"I wrote you a note, it's inside your writing book. I was going to wait to do... this until after you read it. But I couldn't wait any longer."
I'm speechless. Completely and utterly speechless.
He walks toward me, taking my right hand in his and bringing it to his mouth. He places a single kiss on my knuckles and exhales. "God, these hands." He kisses it once more and softly drops it to my side. He winks at me, picks up his previously dropped books from the floor, and exits my room without turning back. I stand alone in silence for a moment, coming back into reality. Shit, my mom's home. And she was fighting with Keith before. What happened? As soon as I'm about to run downstairs to my mother, I remember my writing textbook. I turn toward my bed and pick it up from the floor next to it. I open the cover flap and out slides a small note with 'Anastasia' written on the front. I unfold it once and read.
Anastasia, thank you for allowing me to borrow your text book. You're one generous lady. I probably shouldn't be doing this through a note, but I have something I need you to know. My feelings for you, Ana, are more than I've led you to believe throughout the years. You're a wonderful girl, and I spend the majority of my time thinking about your beautiful hands. It's silly, really, to spend so much time envisioning such a random part of your body. Of course, every other part of you is equally as beautiful, but I can't help but dream about those soft hands on my skin. I know I'm risking a lot by confessing these feelings to you, but if there's even a slight chance that you feel the same way, I'm willing to risk it. I'll see you soon, love.
Never change.
-NMy stomach explodes with millions of large-winged butterflies. I fall backwards onto my bed, smiling alone in my bedroom, forgetting the world. I drift off into a dream-filled sleep, not waking until the next morning.
"Good morning, mom!" I say with so much happiness in my voice I think she might think I'm crazy. She's leaning against the kitchen sink with her chin dropped to her chest.
"Mom? Are you okay?"
"Honey, there was an accident."
My jaw clenches and my stomach tightens. Who?
"What-" I barely whisper as she cuts me off.
"Keith. He... he left last night after we fought and..." She can barely finish the sentence. I stop myself from reacting and force her to finish explaining.
"Mom, tell me. What happened? Was anyone hurt?"
She nods.
"Who?"
She shakes her head as she continues to sob.
"Mom, who!" I practically yell at her.
"Keith... he's... gone."
I think my heart stops.
"Anyone else?" I compose myself. I need to know. What if...
She nods.
Oh, God.
"Who?" I whisper.
"Nick," she mouths, and I think my heart basically explodes along with the rest of my organs and emotions. My mother grabs me and wraps me in her arms as I scream in sheer horror.
"No! No, mom! No! He can't be gone! No!" I'm screaming, sobbing, breathing and pulling at my mom's arms all at the same time. I can hear her trying to sooth me but everything is on mute. The world is gone. Nothing is right. No, he can't be gone, she's wrong. This isn't true. I have to get out of here. I break free from her grasp and run upstairs. Collapsing on my floor, and releasing myself, finally. I don't know quite how long the tears flow for, but I drift off into a long sleep shortly after.
~~~
"Essays are due on Friday. Don't forget everything we just learned on paragraph structure, it's very important for your grade. You may begin them now with the remaining time in class."
I disregard everything the teacher is saying and open my notebook.Paragraph structure. What is that? I open my writing textbook and feel a shooting pain in my chest. Nick's note. It's no longer in here, but I remember the night I found it. Before I can stop myself, I'm flipping through each of the textbook pages trying to find another love note from Nick in the margins, but to no avail. I stop and lean back in my chair, hands on my desk, heart in my stomach. Mrs. James approaches me.
"Anastasia, are you okay?"
"Yes," I manage to choke out.
"Alright, but your hands are fidgeting rather much. Would you like to go to the nurse?"
Her words pierce through me.
Anastasia, stop shaking.
Oh, those hands, Ana, I've wanted them on me for so long.
I spend the majority of my time thinking about your beautiful hands.
I stare blankly at her, having nothing but an empty shell of a human to offer. I stand up, holding her gaze the entire time and exit the room, not saying a word.
Enough
I crept down the hallway and sat and the old wooden kitchen table. The unstable legs creaked from under me as my weight settled onto them.
"Good morning, sunshine," my mother offered without looking at me as she fiddled with the coffee pot.
"Morning, mom." I pushed the opened bills and papers out of my way on the table to make a place to eat. There was so much clutter on the tabletop you could barely even realize there actually was a table underneath it.
"Your father's coming here today."
Those five simple words sent a cool shiver down my spine and wiped the color from my face.
"Why?" I returned with a hesitant tone.
"He wants to see you and your sister. He says he has something to tell you two. I don't know, he didn't really say much before he hung up the phone on me."
I stared out the window at the bleak, gray sky promising a storm. How ironic that it felt as though the same weather was occuring in my stomach.
I stood from the table, forgetting the fact that I hadn't even eaten breakfast yet and headed toward my bedroom. I closed my wooden door, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I glanced at my messy bed and saw my cell phone tangled in the sheets. I picked it up and scrolled through the few contacts I had programmed in. Aaron lit up the screen as soon as I was about to press his name for a new text message. Good morning, library? I hit reply and typed, Not yet, could you come over? A second later the screen lit up with Sure. I flipped my phone closed and stared at the wall. Why was my dad coming here? And what did he have to tell me? I figured I should wake up my sister, feeling the need to prepare her for whatever was about to occur.
"Trace," I whispered as I gently shook her awake. "Tracey, wake up."
She breathed heavily and opened her eyes, allowing the overwhelming crystal blue color to pierce through me.
"Hi," I said as I smiled from her simple beauty. She didn't say anything in return, just smiled back and streched herself awake.
I met her in the bathroom where we'd brush our teeth as a team. We usually did this before school on weekdays, but since I needed to tell her about dad I gigured I'd join her on this Saturday morning.
"Dad's coming over today," I said gently as if I'd said it any different way it'd set off a bomb or something.
"Why?" She questioned, not really understanding why he didn't live with us in the first place, being as she was only eight.
"He has something to tell us. Mom told me. Is that okay?" She looked up at me instead of through the mirror as she previously was.
"Yes. Why wouldn't it be?"
"I don't know," I said quizzically, "I just wanted to make sure you're okay with it." She smiled, which sent a feeling of ease through my veins.
"I'm okay," she assured, "are you?"
"Of course," I said with a smile, "now finish brushing your teeth."
Aaron knocked on the back door leading into the kitchen and continued to walk right in since this was basically his second home.
"Good morning, Ms. Andrews, how are you today?"
"I'm as good as it's gonna get, Aaron, and yourself?" My mother liked Aaron. She knew I liked him, too, and that alone was enough approval for her.
"I'm great any day as long as it isn't a school day." My mother chuckled and took her mug of coffee and newspaper into the living room adjacent to us. Aaron helped himself to the refrigerator before even saying anything to me. I sat at the creaky kitchen table across from the fridge. Our kitchen was small and quaint. The stove, sink and fridge all rested in one corner while the table and china cabinet were placed in the other. We didn't have much room in our house for excessive items but then again, we didn't really need any.
"Are you okay?" Aaron asked as he sat next to me on an equally squeaky chair with a glass of milk in hand.
"My dad's coming over today," I replied with a sigh. He didn't say anything at first. Just stared at me.
"Is that... okay?" Aaron knew all about my dad. He knew about the divorce and the alcohol abuse and the... physical abuse as well. He was there for all of it. He was there during the nights my parents stayed up fighting and I crawled through my window to escape to his house. Aaron was my safe-haven. My shoulder to lean on. My best friend.
"I don't know. My mother says he has something to tell my sister and me. Why is he coming here? It's been four years. And the way my mother told me... she was so nonchalant, like she didn't even care. Isn't she nervous or angry or... something?"
Aaron sighed as he placed his strong, warm hand on mine. His cool green eyes stared deep into mine like he was trying to read my mind. The structure of his face was perfect. His thick, dark eyebrows enhanced his glassy eyes in the right way while his boyish, beachy hair grazed his forehead. His strong jaw clenched at the sight of my distraught face and his supple lips tightened as he formed the words to comfort me.
"I don't know, Anna," he started, "I don't know what he wants. I wish I did and I wish I could help you but there's not much I can do until you know why he's coming."
Although he didn't have any true insight on how to help me, just his low, calm voice soothed me into an almost dream as it enveloped me. I looked into his eyes and then down at his hand which was still grasping mine. I scooted my chair over next to him which I'm surprised didn't force it to collapse to pieces and threw my arms around his strong neck.
"Thank you," I whispered into his ear as I embraced him tightly.
"For wh-" he began as a knock interrupted us from the kitchen door.
Oh god, it's him. I thought as I broke the bond between the two of us. "You should go," I said bluntly as I stared at the sillhouette behind the wooden door. He didn't say anything, he just understood and got up from the chair. He walked towards the living room to go out the front door to avoid confrontation with my father. At least I think so, I couldn't break the stare I had with the unmoving figure outside.
"Call me later, okay?" he offered as he exited my house. "Okay," I said blankly in return.
My mother entered the kitchen and headed toward the door.
"Wait," I blurted as I changed my stare to her, "let me get Tracey." I got up and walked toward my sister's bedroom hearing my mother open the door to the man I forgot existed.
"Trace, daddy's here." She closed the book she was reading and her eyes lit up. She ran towards the kitchen, exited to see him as if he had never left. She was much too young to understand why our family was so broken, so this was like a happy family reunion to her.
"Anna," he said almost shocked as I entered the kitchen. It didn't feel like my kitchen anymore. It felt like he owned it. Like this was his room just from standing at the door.
"Hi," was all I could choke out as I tried to retain my calm.
"Stuart, would you like some coffee?" my mother offered as she walked toward the counter.
"Sure, Rose, that'd be great." Hearing him say my mother's name was so strange to me, it was almost uncomfrotable.
"Daddy, I haven't seen you in a while. Do you miss me?" My sister was so charming, even for an eight-year-old.
"Yes, hunny, I miss you everyday." Seeing him treat my sister in a fatherly way was hard to watch. He used to treat us like that however long ago. But then he up and left. And he never attempted to treat us that way again. Until now.
"What do you have to tell us?" The words escaped me without giving my brain time to stop them. He looked at me in the same way again, almost shocked, with a hesitation to answer.
"We should sit down and catch up first," he interjected, trying to pretend like the last four years never happened.
"No, thanks," I said - what was I doing? "I'd like to make this as short and painless as possible." I can't believe I had just said that, and apparently, either could my mother since she completely stopped what she was doing to turn and glare at me in awe. My father rose up from his knees and looked as if he were towering over me, even though he was across the room.
"Okay," he said, almost defeated, "but we should really sit."
My sister happily propped herself up onto a creaky chair and I sat too, my legs unknowingly allowing me to move. My mother placed a cup of coffee in front of my father who sat across the round dinner table from my sister and me. She then exited the room which surprised and worried me, not knowing I'd be without her during this confrontation.
"Well," he said, clearing his throat, "I'm getting remarried, and I'd like you two to be in the wedding."
I sat, shocked, numb to the situation in front of me. Did my father who abandoned me for the past four years just ask me to be in his wedding to another woman?
"Excuse me?" I said a little too loudly.
"I just think-" he began before I cut him off, knowingly this time, not wanting to hear what he had to say.
"Are you honestly telling me this right now, with my eight-year-old sister in the room?" I said accusingly.
"Well I'm asking you both to-" I cut him off again.
"No, you're not asking. You're telling us that you're getting remarried to another woman. After four years of abandonment, you're telling me that you've found a new family? A whole new family after you abused ours for years?!"
"That's enough!" He shouted as he stood up, almost knocking the chair over. I shuddered, not expecting him to erupt like that and then composing myself quickly, knowing I had to get this man out of my house without a bruise on myself... or him.
"You're right, that is enough," I agreed, "I think it's about time you leave this house and don't ever come back again, ever." I was standing surprisingly tall, unbreakable, not allowing the fear and panic to puncture me as it had all those years ago. My mother entered the room after hearing the sudden noise and stared at my cold, stoic face with panic. My father's stature faultered as his shoulders loosened and his face drooped. He turned towards my sister and breathed in about to say something to her.
"Don't," I interrupted, "don't say a word to her. She doesn't deserve that, and neither do you." He looked at me. His face defeated. For the first time, I had stood up to him, and he realized it. "Okay," was all he could say. He turned to leave the house, but before closing the door behind him turned to my mom and said two words that sent shivers down my spine.
"I'm sorry."
We all remained still, waiting for him to shut the door and leave our lives forever. As the lock clicked into place a calm swept over us. I let my strong shell crumble as I turned toward my mother. She stared at me for a second, and then practically fell into my arms, hugging me tighter than ever.
"I'm sorry," she offered, but I couldn't accept it. This wasn't her fault. It never was.
"Don't be," I said. I released her from my grip and looked at my sister. She still looked just as carefree and jovial as ever. I let a warm smile slip across my face as I winked at her. I turned toward my room where I shut my door slowly. I picked up my phone and clicked on the same name as always, Aaron.
"Hello?" He answered.
"It's over," I said as a warmth spread through my veins. For the first time, those words meant something.
Indecisive
"Hello?"
"I'm coming over, bye."
The line disconnected and I clicked my phone shut.
"Who was that?" My mom questioned from the kitchen.
"It was Dan. He's coming over."
I looked at the clock above the TV and paused. It was already past five and I didn't want to do this here.
"Actually, I'm gonna meet him at the Lunch Spot. I'll be back late, don't wait up."
I walked out the front door and pulled my car keys and cellphone from my pocket. I dialed Dan's number.
"Meet at the Spot, invite Jess if you want to."
This time I hung up before he could answer, knowing he'd do exactly what I requested.
I walked into the small restaurant taking in the calm but happy atmosphere. I walked towards our usual table when Benny stopped me.
"Hey, Ray! How are ya on this fine August evening?"
"I'm swell, Benny, and yourself?"
"Same as always. Dan and Jess meeting you here?"
"Yes, sir."
"I'll get ya the usual, then."
I sat at the booth staring out the window into the cool gray sky. I felt so relaxed I almost forgot where I was. That was until Dan and Jess threw themselves down onto the bench and almost forced my heart out of my chest.
"Sup, Ray?" Jess asked as she fiddled through her giant backpack which she never thought to clean out.
"Just waiting for you guys, how are you?"
"We're fine," Dan answered for the both of them, "why are we here?"
The bluntness in his voice almost blew me back in my seat. "Are we not allowed to be? We always come here," I said with a bit of caution in my voice.
"Yes," Dan started, "we're allowed to be here. But there's a reason you want us here. You need to tell us something."
He always knew every time.
"You alway know every time, don't you?" I asked with a slight smile spreading across my face. Dan just tilted his head with a look on his face as though he was saying obviously.
"I want to tell my parents," I said.
"Are you sure?" Jess asked, finally looking up from her backpack, "that's a huge deal."
"Yes, I'm sure. But I don't know how."
"I say, just tell them. They're gonna be cool about it. They love you." Jess didn't speak seriously very often, but when she did everyone listened. She could part seas with her words and she knew it, too, that's why she chose carefully when to use them.
"Thanks, Jess. I will." I felt better just from her simple advice. I looked towards Dan who just had his head down, looking at the table and playing with his knife. I knew why he didn't say anything. I didn't comment on it.
Dan was bisexual. I was the only one who knew. He wanted to tell Jess, but was worried even though he knew she'd be cool with it. I told Jess about me sophomore year, along with Dan a week later, and they have been nothing but supportive since then. I haven't told anyone else but was becoming increasingly comfortable with my sexuality. Dan... Was quite the opposite. He felt different in a bad way in comparison to everyone else. Even me. One time he told me, "at least you know you only like guys, I can't choose one or the other. How fucked up is that?" I just sat there. I didn't know what to say. I didn't think Dan was different or abnormal. In fact, I had been having feelings towards Dan for a few years. He was amazing to me. I've tried to push the feelings aside but they've been surfacing much more lately. I mean, it could never happen... Dan and me... Right?
"Hello? Ray?!" I snapped out of my daze when I realized the waiter was asking me a question and Dan was trying to get my attention.
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Would you like anything else?"
"No, thank you."
I stared at Dan who was now eating hi same old order: a triple cheeseburger with bacon. I felt my face flood with color just looking at him, and quickly averted my eyes. I noticed Jess glance from me to her plate and my face blushed again, knowing she had seen that little connection.
"I'm gonna head home," Jess stated as she followed us out of the restaurant. "I'll catch you guys tomorrow." She came towards me and hugged me tightly whispering in my ear, "Go for it." she pulled away and offered me a subtle wink. My face flushed yet again and I watched as she stretched into her tip-toes to kiss Dan's cheek goodbye. She glanced back at me with a smile as she walked toward her car.
I couldn't figure out whether Jess meant her words towards me telling my parents or my feelings for Dan. Then I realized I never told her about Dan and she didn't know about his sexuality. Regardless, that didn't mean she didn't know. Sometimes I feel like I don't give Jess a much credit as she deserves.
"Wanna go back to my house?" Dan asked, finally breaking the silence.
"Sure," I offered as I followed toward his car.
I slid down into the passenger seat of his car and then remembered that I had driven to the Spot separately.
"I have my car here," I said nervously for some reason. Dan laughed and said, "it's okay, we'll come back later to get your car. Is your mom expecting you home early?"
"No, I told her not to wait up."
"Good," he said and pulled out of the parking lot.
It was getting dark now, my favorite time of day. Just as the sun was setting and the moon was awakening. I stared out the car's window and let my thoughts flood over me. Did Dan have feelings for me too? Did Jess know Dan was bi? Did I really have feelings for my best friend? I was disturbed from my daydream yet again by Dan's bruting voice.
"Hey, Ray, I have something I-" he was cut off by the obnoxious ringing of my cell phone. It was our other friend Sam.
"Hold on, Dan, Sam is calling me." I flipped open my phone and turned toward the window, thinking this would shield Dan from hearing my conversation.
"Hello?"
"Ray!?" Sam almost yelled into the phone, completely out of breath and worried.
"Yes, what's wrong Sam?"
"Are you alone? I really need to talk to someone."
"No, I'm with Dan. Are you okay?"
"Ray, Dan slept with Karley and I don't know what to do."
The shock of her words sent a wave of pain through my chest.
"What? What do you mean you don't know what to do?"
"I think I'm in love with him."
It was like I was being repeatedly punched in the stomach.
"Sam, what are you talking about? You've been friends for years."
"I've always liked him, and I was going to tell him last night at Karley's party, but when I was searching her house to find him, I found him. I found him on top of her in her bedroom."
I couldn't breathe in anymore.
"Sam, I have to go, I'll call you later."
I usually would never hang up on a friend in need, especially a friend as close to me as Sam. Although she didn't know about my sexuality, she knew me more than anyone. Well, except for Jess and Dan.
"You slept with Karley?"
I can't believe I said it. I thought I was only thinking it but I heard the words fall out of my mouth like word-vomit.
Dan sighed, like he knew it was coming, and responded.
"Yes, I was just going to tell you. But I've got a bit of a problem on my hands."
I was angry. I was basically seething but I wasn't about to let him know that.
"What?" I demanded rather than asked.
"I think I've got feelings for Sam."
I think I almost died. Why was this happening?
"Really?" I whispered, defeated.
"But I don't know! I don't know, Ray, I'm so confused." He pulled the car over to the side of a woodsy road. I didn't know why, but I didn't question it. "I don't know what to do or think or anything! I mean, I also think I've got feelings for guys and that's what's fucked up about me, but then I do shit like this! I fuck a girl I've got no feelings for when I'm really interested in one of my best friends."
I sat silently, secretly screaming inside my head. All I wanted to do was lean over and kiss him. I wanted to just do it and get it over with, open the car door and storm out and have that be it. But I couldn't. I was physically, emotionally and mentally paralyzed. I finally choked up the ability to speak.
"I don't kno-" he cut me off. But this time, it wasn't with his words, it was with his lips. He was kissing me. He threw himself across the center console of his car to fully offer himself to me. I didn't know what was going on, it was all so quick! I finally snapped back into my own body and kissed him back. I kissed him back so passionately I almost passed out. He grabbed the back of my head and ran his strong fingers through my hair. His other hand was grasping the side of my neck. He held me so tightly and intensely it caused me to fall deeper into his spell. I grabbed at his v-neck shirt, wishing it would rip to pieces. His warm, soft lips brushed mine lightly, followed by his teeth biting at my lower lip. He scratched at my back and tugged at my shirt and before I knew it we had made our way to the back seat of his car. He straddled himself on top of me, leaving me with the only option of staring up as his strong, muscular body. The moon was out now, and it kissed Dan's smooth skin along the right side of him perfectly. He basically glistened. Little beads of sweat appeared along his hairline, making their way down his face and detatching themselves along his bold jawline. I laid completely flat along his back seat with his legs on either side of me as he stretched his body up to remove his shirt. He took a second to look at me after doing so, not moving, which worried me thinking he'd realize what a stupid mistake he was making and stop. I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him down into me fervidly, needing him now. We resumed our previous intense make out now in the back of his car. He ran his hands up my sides, pulling my t-shirt up with them. His soft fingertips ran their way all the way up to mine and pinned my hands down to the seat with his as he traced my neck with his mouth. My bottom lip quivered as he kissed and licked my neck, making me shiver with anticipation. I forced my face underneath his, causing our mouths to connect yet again. We lustfully united for what felt like hours yet seconds all at the same time. In reality, I don't know how long it was, but if it were up to me we never would have stopped. Unfortunally, it eventually did. Before things got too intense, he released me from his grip, settling his sweaty body down next to mine on the bench seat. I sat up and wiped the wet hair from his face. He rested his head on my shoulder and we just sat. I heard him drift into a soft sleep after a few minutes which caused me to inevitably follow.
After what had to be two hours at least, Dan stirred and we both woke up tangled in each other.
"Hey," he said in a raspy, quiet voice.
"Hello," I said in return.
A simultaneous smile spread across our faces as we peered into one another's eyes.
"I'm gay," he said after a few moments of shared silence.
At first I felt like chuckling, already having known this but then I stopped. And thought. And realized. And smiled.
And that was that.
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