He was my tutor. I was having a rough time in a math class my junior year of college, so he offered to help me 3 times a week, no charge. He was cute and I was lonely, so it was an instant yes.
“Hi, I'm James and I heard you were having trouble with Algebra 101, is that correct?”
“Yes, thank you so much for coming. It may be silly, I did so well with Algebra in high school, now I suck.”
“It's different here, it's colHlege now.”
“You're right. Oh, I'm Emily by the way. I really appreciate your help, James.”
“It's my pleasure, Emily, trust me.”
He was nice to me. He helped me. He flirted with me and befriended me. We ended up being a lot more similar than I had suspected.
“I came to Ithaca because I just couldn't be home anymore. My mom is a professional at riding me to tears, and doing whatever she can to be better than me. She still hasn't realized that her teen years are over, and I'm just trying to enjoy mine. It's really unbearable.”
“I'm sorry, Em. I have a similar situation, but with daddy. He expects me to be some professional football star. I don't even like football...”
“Haha, oh, sorry, that's not funny.”
“Yeah it is, haha.”
We spent hours in the library that night. That first night is where it all began, and where it all ended kinda... That night was the best of my life. And so was the remainder of my junior year.
“Emilyyyyyy, wake up you whore! Let me in your damn room.”
“Jesus, James, you're so annoying. It's eight a.m.”
“My name is James, not Jesus, now get ready.”
“For what?”
“The party...”
But then there was that one night... It was the last day of junior year... we had one night left in the dorms before going home for the summer, and there was this big party in one of the dorms.
“What party?”
“Are you fucking stupid, Emily? The one in the main hall. To kick off the end of junior year.”
“Oh... right. I don't really feel up for a party. I kinda just want to pack up and get ready to leave.”
“No, you're going, and you're going with me, and you're gonna like it.”
“James, there's gonna be drinking and I don't feel like going home with a hangover tomorrow...”
“Emily, how did you do on your Algebra final?”
“I got a 98, why?”
“How did you get that grade?”
“Because you tutored me...”
“Yes, you trusted me with your ending grade of the year. Now you're going to trust me with this party. I'm not gonna see you all summer you bitch. Get ready.”
He tended to curse at me a lot. I didn't mind because he was like a brother to me, and that's what brothers do. Except, that night, James did some things brothers don't usually do...
“This is it, Emily. The party of the year. Senior year, here we come.”
“Can we just get this over with? I have a lot of packing to do.”
“Emily, for Christ sake, can't you try to enjoy yourself for once in your whole life?”
“Yes... Sorry... I just am uncomfortable and tired and--”
“Shut up. You look amazing, better than I've ever seen you.”
“Wow, James, really?”
“Yes, Em, you're gorgeous. That dress is amazing.”
I had just bought a new dress for the summer. I knew I wanted to enjoy this summer with parties and clubbing, so I bought a skin tight dress, black with red accents down the side. I wore red heels to the party with this dress and my hair down. Didn't want to be too overdressed, but good looking enough to maybe hook up with someone that night.
“Thank you, James. Okay, let's go.”
“Finally.”
“Want me to get you a drink?”
“Oh.. little miss perfect is drinking tonight?”
“Yes. I'm going to enjoy this. Besides, I look hot.”
“Hell yeah you do. Get me one please. I'm gonna go over here.”
At the keg, Tim Burrow began talking to me, which was weird because the only time we had previously spoken was when we had a writing class together, and we were forced into the same group. I could tell he was kinda... a little bit... smashed.
“Damn, miss Emily good-girl is at a party... and drinking?”
“What are you talking about, Tim? I come to parties all the time.”
“Yeah, but you don't drink unless it's with a small group of your gay friends. Like that James faggot.”
“Woah, Tim, watch what you're saying, okay?”
“Whatever. You look hot tonight.”
“Thanks.”
“You're very welcome. Wanna come meet my friend?”
“Why...?”
“Because you might like him.”
Thinking Tim might actually have a hot friend I could... enjoy for the night, I stupidly followed him. The whole time walking across the room he would talk to me.
“I really can't get over how great you look tonight, girl.”
“Thanks, Tim.”
“It's like that dress was made for you.”
“Thanks, Tim.”
“But who knows, it might have been made to end up on my dorm room floor.”
He wasn't great with pick-up lines.
“Where's your friend, Tim?”
“In here...”
You guessed it... there was no one in the empty bedroom where Tim had led me. But he proceeded to close and lock the door after following me inside. I found him as no threat, he was drunk and I was not, I could just get out at any time right? No.
“Lay down.”
“No, Tim. Let me out.”
“You wanted to meet my friend, right?”
“Tim, what the fuck! Put your dick away.”
“Don't you wanna kiss my friend? He's cute right? Very tall.”
“You're crazy.”
I'm sure you also guessed that at this point I attempted to leave. It wasn't as easy as I assumed...
“Tim, someone's gonna come in here and see you're being a fucking crazy weirdo, so you might as well let me out.”
“Or... we could use the time we have before someone comes in.”
“Or... we could let me the fuck out.”
“Or... not.”
Yeah, turns out strong guys are a lot stronger when they're drunk. He threw me on the bed, and almost got exactly what he wanted. If it weren't for the angel named James who barged in right at the correct time.
“Tim, get the fuck out of here now before I beat the shit out of you.”
“Woah there pretty boy... calm down.”
“Get out, Tim.”
“Why? You want her for yourself?”
“Yes. Now leave.”
I didn't know what to do at this point. All I could do was watch James beat the shit out of Tim until he left. Did James really want me for himself? Probably not. Well... definitely not.
“Emily, what the fuck were you doing with Tim?”
“He said he had a friend he wanted me to meet.”
“Oh my god, Emily, yeah right he had a 'friend.' All he wanted you to meet was his cock.”
“I'm sorry. I didn't know what to do.”
“You didn't know what to do? How about get us our fucking drinks and come back to me?”
“You were talking with Janette, I was lonely and wanted to hook up tonight. I don't know.”
“Janette. Seriously, Em? You think I'd go for Janette? She's a fucking idiot.”
“Well... don't boys like girls like that?”
“Yeah, boys. But I thought you saw me as more than some boy. Damn it, Emily.”
“Seriously, James, I'm sorry. But I'm a little shaken up and you don't even care. All you care about is that I was with Tim, why?”
“Because you shouldn't be anywhere near Tim. He's a fucking pervert.”
“Well who else should I have been with!”
“Me, Emily! Me!”
“What do you want with me, James?”
“You wanna know, Em? I wanted to end off junior year by being with you. And maybe getting things started. Like more than a friendship. But since that wasn't even near your mind, you can fuck off.”
He left the room at that moment. He stormed into the library. Before I could defend myself. Before I could tell him how I really felt. Those would've been the last words I heard that night, “fuck off.” But I wasn't going to let that happen.
“James. Stop. Talk to me.”
“No, Emily. I'm done talking. Since the beginning of this year I've tutored you, helped you, laughed with you, at you, befriended you and what did you do for me?”
“I fucked you over I guess. Because I talked to Tim. Because I talked to Tim because I was afraid I wasn't good enough for you.”
“...what?”
“Yeah. I've wanted you since the beginning. But I'm not good enough for you.”
“Emily... Why--”
“No, stop. I don't want to hear it. It's our last day of junior year, and I'm going to end it the way I want to end it. I love you, James, I love you. I always have. There.”
In the movies, the boy would then kiss the girl before she could get away, and they would end up together happily and everything would be great. But this isn't the movies. And this isn't some fairytale written by some hopelessly romantic teenage girl sitting on a couch while on vacation... this is real life.
“Emily.”
“What, James.”
“Sorry.”
That was the last time I ever spoke to James. The summer into senior year and my last year of college consisted of sleeping around and drinking. I was alone in the world. I had no friends. No family. No James. I was dead inside, so I decided to live life like I was dead, too.
I did bump into James once. At a restaurant close to the college. He was with his girlfriend, Margaret. They were kissing. He looked better than anyone I deserve. And I looked like someone who didn't deserve him.
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