Guess What?

   "I had sex with Jeff Cooper last year after graduation."
   "Oh my god, Jamie! I thought you hated him!" Shouted Maggie with a surprised tone.
   "I did... I do, I was just really drunk and... it was graduation!"
The girls laughed and moved on around the circle, telling each other their biggest secrets.
   "Well, I don't think I can top that one," Liz said as she giggled and poked jokingly at Jamie's sides. "But I'll try... Junior year, at Scott Tanner's party over spring break, we made out."
Liz's entire face blushed as if this were some huge surprise and the three other girls burst out in laughter.
   "What!" Cried Liz.
   "That's not a secret!" Replied Maggie, "everyone knew about that!"
They continued their laughter as Liz cut them off, "well if you had let me finish you would know I wasn't done!"
The girls quieted down and allowed Liz to continue.
   "After we made out, he started crying because he was pretty drunk at that point so I brought him into what I believe was his parents room to calm him down. He sat on the bed, sobbed for a few more minutes, and then stopped. He looked at me with a completely sober look and said, 'Joan has cancer.' I didn't know what to say, because I felt bad enough that we were making out at all when he was dating her, and it was hard enough for me to stop feeling guilty when she died last year, but that night he told me she had cancer and I never forget it. I was one of the only ones who knew. We ended up talking about it all night, and he cried a lot, and talked and cried and I kinda just sat there and listened. He told me she was going to die within the next year, and that he didn't know what to do and that's why he kissed me. He didn't know how to cope with the pain of losing the girl he loved and so he did something stupid. I promised I wouldn't tell her, but even if I wanted to, I wouldn't have had the chance. I didn't see her after that because she was in the hospital from then on out. She told people she moved and was attending another school, but I knew the truth. I was one of the only ones. Me, Scott and her family. That's it. I never got to say goodbye, either, and I still feel guilty for kissing Scott and maybe tearing apart the short relationship they had left."
The girls were shocked, that was the most serious thing that had been said yet that night.
   "Liz... you can't let yourself think that way," said Jamie, "you don't... you don't think her death was your fault, right?"
   "No," said Liz assuredly, "I know her death was inevitable. When I talked with Scott that night, he even told me not to feel badly about what happened with us that night because there was no way I could have known. But I don't even know to this day if he told her or not. And I should have. And even if I didn't, I should have went to say goodbye since I was the only one with a fair warning of her leaving."
   "Liz, I know this must be really hard on you. Joan's death was really hard on all of us since it was so unexpected, but I'm sure it was worse since you lived with it a lot longer than us. But you can't allow yourself to feel guilty over this for the rest of your life. You need to make peace with it and with yourself." Maggie sighed after saying this, and followed with a hug for Liz.
   "I know. I'm trying. I've been talking about it in counseling and it's been helping, but even just telling you guys this makes me feel even better."
   "Good," said Jamie, "now, that's enough serious stuff for now. Let's go get snacks and watch a movie."
The girls headed out of the basement to the kitchen for food, all except Grace. She remained sitting on the floor with glassy eyes. Maggie must have noticed her absence because she retreated back downstairs to search for her missing friend.
   "Gracey, you okay?"
   "Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking about Liz's story, I guess."
   "Yeah, it was a big one, right? I'm still in shock."
   "I was at that party," added Grace, "I saw her walk into the room with Scott around 1 a.m., and figured she was going to have sex with him. I walked over the the door, contemplating whether to stop them or not knowing that he had a girlfriend, but when I got to the room, I heard sobbing. I figured it was just Liz being normal drunk Liz so I went back to the party and... well... that's it."
   "Gracey," Maggie sighed, "it isn't your fault either. It's good that Scott and Lizzie talked because he needed someone to talk to that wasn't Joan, and I think it snapped Liz out of her party girl phase for a while."
   "I know. I just... that was a terrible party anyway."
Maggie giggled, "I'd say. I can't even remember any of it. C'mon, kiddo. Let's grab some food."
She continued back upstairs and Grace rose to her feet and whispered under her breath, "I wish I could forget it."


The credits of the movie rolled and by this time it was nearing 3 a.m. The girls uncramped themselves from the couch, and munched on the snacks they had supplied themselves with. None of them seemed to be tired regardless of the time.
   "That movie never gets old," Jamie said to break the silence.
   "Grace, you've been pretty quiet tonight, everything okay?" Liz asked as she took a sip of her water bottle. Grace nodded, "yeah, I'm fine." The girls took this as a sign that she was fine instead of seeing that something was truly wrong.
   "So... Jamie... how was Jeff in bed!" Maggie giggled as she asked Jamie, lightening the mood as she always had. The girls giggled and talked about Jeff. They talked about other boys and eventually got back to Scott's party.
   "Even though I don't remember most of it," Jamie said, "I remember dancing with Pete a lot, and maybe kissing him. So for me it was a pretty good night."
Maggie turned to Grace and asked, "didn't you spend most of that party with the fine Ryan Drew?"
Grace felt her face flush completely and her throat close up. She couldn't speak, she couldn't breathe but had to find the words to say to make it look like that night was as enjoyable for her as it seemed to everyone else.
   "Yeah, most of it," she choked out.
   "God, is he sexy," Jamie contributed. The girls continued to talk about how attractive Ryan Drew was and how badly they wanted to "get with him." Grace couldn't bear to listen to it anymore, it was intolerable, and she couldn't stop herself from letting these words slip out of her mouth.
   "Ryan raped me!"
The three girls sat completely still, faces pale, jaws dropped staring blankly at Grace as a tear streamed from her eye to her chin. There were a few moments of silence which felt like hours to Grace. As always, Maggie broke the silence.
   "What?"
Grace allowed herself to calm down and decided to just tell the girls the truth as there was no shot of redemption at this point anyway.
   "I didn't choose to spend that night with Ryan. He forced me to."
   "Gracey, what are you... what happened?" Maggie practically whispered.
Grace swallowed hard and began to answer but her mouth was just so dry it was hard for her to speak. "Okay. Ryan came up to me about ten minutes after I got to the party and started hitting on me. He was a little buzzed, not to the point where he was belligerent, but bad enough where I could smell it on his breath with every word he spoke. He was telling me how beautiful I looked and how I needed a drink. He kept telling me how I needed a drink. I of course took a drink because I wanted him to keep talking to me. I figured as long as I wasn't drunk and knew what I was doing I could get him to like me enough so that maybe we could start 'talking.' I started getting a little droopy and he offered to bring me downstairs to lay me on the couch so I didn't get hurt or do anything stupid. I stupidly agreed and allowed him to guide me down into the dark basement. The basement... like, what was I thinking? Anyway, downstairs there were a few couches and I figured he would lay me down on one of those, but instead he turned the small corner and brought me to the secluded bathroom. Like I said, I was pretty messed up but not too much to the point where I didn't know where I was or anything. I asked him what he was doing and it was like he turned into a completely different person. 'Shut up,' he told me. He threw me into the bathtub. I knocked my head on the rock wall but was still conscious. I don't know if he tried to knock me out or not. I wouldn't be surprised, but I feel like he got a thrill from the fight. Muffling my screams and holding down my arms... restraining me with some sort of rope or towel... I don't know... it seemed like a sort of pleasure for him so I don't think he tried to knock me out. I don't think he cared what he did with me. I was his doll. His toy. His play thing. He just wanted to use my body and then get rid of me. He locked the door and unbuttoned his pants. I began to get up out of the tub which seemed a lot harder because I was drunk, but I seemed to sober up pretty quickly."
The girls were all still, I don't think anyone has ever listened so intently to a story before than Grace's friends.
   I yelled for help but he covered my face with his strong hands. 'Just do what I say and it will be over quickly,' he said to me. Those words burned into my brain. I stopped yelling. I realized that this was going to happen. I couldn't stop it. He was going to do whatever he wanted with me, and I couldn't stop him. I feel like maybe I blacked out for the rest of it because I wasn't unconscious, but I wasn't awake enough to try to save myself. 'Stop,' I'd whisper, but he obviously wouldn't. He just kept thrusting me against the hard bathtub wall. I cried the entire time and waited for it to be over. When it finally was, he kissed my lips, my chest and grabbed my chin staring deep into my eyes. He definitely wasn't drunk anymore, and I honestly don't think he ever was. 'Don't tell anyone or you're fucking dead,' he said in the deepest, most stomach churning voice I've ever heard. I watched him unlock the door and leave, closing it behind him. I stayed still, laying in the bathtub, waiting for him to return for some reason. Not accepting what had just happened to me or maybe expecting it to happen again. I fell asleep there, and awoke to... Maggie. Maggie slapping me lightly telling me to get up and that I must have 'drank too much' and fallen asleep naked in the bathtub. I got up. Got dressed. And drove home.So yes, girls, I did spend that night with Ryan Drew. But not by choice."
The girls sat silently. For a long time now, not just a few moments, and it didn't just feel like a long time, it really was. They all laid there in the darkness, waiting for the other to say something, but no one did. Eventually, Jamie and Liz fell asleep without saying a word. Maybe they didn't know how to react or they were just still in shock. Maggie laid there with her eyes wide open, staring at the silence and knowing that Grace was still awake, too.
   "Gracey?"
   "Yes?"
   "I'm sorry."
Grace closed her eyes, finally able to fall asleep.
   "Me too."