"I'm sorry, Nick! I can't help it."
"You're going to have to stop doing it one of these days, Anastasia."
He cups my twitchy fingers with his warm, soft palm, sending a shiver of electricity throughout my body. I can't focus on my books when I know I'm being held in the safe, strong hands of Nicholas Morgan. He looks up from his notebook and catches me staring.
"Will you please do your Spanish so we can get this over with and go?"
"Will you stop being so bossy?"
"I'm not trying to be, I just really don't wanna be late for dinner because everyone freaked out last time we were."
He takes his hand off mine, sucking all the warmth and life from my body along with it. I break the stare I have at his beautiful, smoky eyes and continue with my meaningless homework.
"Hey guys, we're here!" Nick yells to the rest of the group as we approach our normal booth at Tommy's.
"It's about time," Becky criticizes as we slide onto the seat.
"Were you guys busy making out?" Henry jokes as he nudges Nick.
"For the last time, we're just friends, which is going to change with you all soon if you don't shut up."
Everyone laughs at Nick's joke, including me, but only halfheartedly. We enjoy dinner together as our usual Sunday night. At around 11 pm we all head out.
"Bye, Kate, I'll see you in first period."
"Are you sure you're okay?" Kate asks, grabbing my elbow as I turn to walk to Nick's car.
"Yes, why?"
"You seem a little...out of it tonight. You sure?"
"Yes, Kate. I'll see you tomorrow."
She smiles at me but I can see a hint of disdain on her face. I disregard it and walk to Nick's car.
"That was fun."
"Yeah," I whisper with a cracked, wheezy voice.
"Stop shaking."
I look down at my hands and only then notice that they are fidgeting as usual.
"Sorry," I say, not looking at him and hoping he'll soon direct his attention off me and onto driving me home.
"Well, we're here."
"Yes," I confirm, "Thanks for the ride."
"No problem, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Sure," I say as I open his creaky old truck's door and jump down to the pavement.
"Oh, wait!" I spin back around to his truck getting his attention. "You left your books in my room."
"Right," he says, "I'm coming."
For some reason, those two words assuring his entrance to my bedroom make my heart jump.
We enter my house through the back door to the kitchen and I toss my purse on the kitchen table.
"Mom?" I yell, but hear no response so I assume she's still out at work.
I flip on the light and turn towards Nick, but he's already making his way to my room. He knows his way around my house just as well as his own because we've been friends since childhood. He's the closest friend I have, besides Kate, and I love him very much. Very, verymuch.
"Got 'em?" I ask as I enter the doorway to my bedroom as see him staring at a picture of me and my father.
"Do you ever miss him?"
For some reason, I initially think he's speaking of himself and want to cry out yes, I do, all the time. Please don't leave! But then I realize he's talking about my dad.
"Everyday."
He pauses for a second, as if he's got something to say, but then continues with silence. Eventually, I break it.
"So, uhm... want to study for the anatomy test together tomorrow?"
He looks up at me and advances towards me, standing less than a foot away from me. He's so close, I can practically feel his heart beating. Oh, how I want to just reach out and grab him, hold him against me, feel him against me.
"Anastasia, stop shaking." His voice is so deep and fluent, it comes out of his mouth like a plume of smoke. I can feel it wrap around me, embody me.
"Sorry," I grasp my hands together but can't break the stare I am holding with his deep eyes. Before I know it, he's grabbing my hands, and stepping even closer to me.
"Anastasia, I-" he's cut off by a loud slamming of my front door and two muffled voices screaming at one another. My heart jumps, and I feel Nick tighten his grasp of my hands. I allow my fingers to untangle themselves from each other and fall into the comforting embrace of Nick's. I soon hear one of the voices more clearly to be my mother, figuring the other must be that of her "boyfriend" Keith.
"Get out, Keith! I never want to see you again, you asshole!"
My body clenches as I hear them fighting, reminding me of my childhood.
You're nothing but a worthless whore, Karen, you and that little brat of yours.
She's yours too, Keith, it's about time you step up and take responsibility for her!
I didn't help you make her, and I'm not gonna help you take care of her!
I shudder from the thought of it, but am pulled from my reverie by Nick's smooth voice.
"Ana, are you okay?"
"Yes, yes I'm fine. You should go. You don't have to hear this."
"No," he insists, "It wouldn't be the first time, and I don't believe you're okay."
"Nick," I attempt to argue but he cuts me off.
"Anastasia, your fidgeting gets worse when they fight and I'm worried about you. Please let me stay."
I look in his cold, steel eyes and sigh. Although I don't want him to have to hear this, it's true that it's not the first time, and I would rather him stay.
"Fine, but only for a little while."
I unwillingly break the bond of our hands and walk toward my bed. I sit on the edge, and put my head in my hands.
"Here," he says. I raise my head from my hands and see him holding out my writing textbook. "Thanks for loaning it to me...again. It was hard to concentrate on the lessons themselves knowing you've touched it with those beautiful hands of yours."
My heart immediately jumps directly into my throat and I can feel my mouth drop open. I can see it on his face that he realizes what he just said and scrambles to find the words to cover it up.
"Uh, well, it sounds like they've stopped fighting. I guess I should go."
I jump up from my bed as he heads for my door with his books in his hand, searching for something to say to make him stay. Just for now. Just this night. One thing that will make him see and want what I do.One thing.
"Nick!" I choke out.
He turns and looks at me, an unknown look on his face that I can't seem to decipher.
"Me too," he says, dropping his books to the floor and advancing toward me at what seems like the speed of light. Before I know it I'm in his arms and he's forcefully pressing his lips against mine, parting my mouth with his tongue. It takes a second for me to register what's happening, but I eventually do and let myself melt into him. I run my hands up his neck to his soft, luscious hair and tangle my fingers in it. He moans softly and pulls his mouth from mine, breathing onto my neck.
"Oh, those hands, Ana, I've wanted them on me for so long."
I groan into his ear, and his mouth finds its way back to mine. His one hand is at the back of my head, pulling at my hair and his other at the small of my back pushing me into him.
"Nick," I breathe into his mouth.
"What, baby?" He says in between breaths, still uniting his tongue with mine.
"I think I love you," I whisper, unaware that I'm actually saying it. He pulls away, staring down into my eyes that yearn for him. He doesn't speak for what feels like an eternity but must only be seconds in reality.
"Me too," he smiles as he connects yet again with my lips. He walks, which forces me to stumble backwards, toward my bed and I fall onto its soft, welcoming surface. He's on top of me now, held up by his forearms which are next to my head. One of his legs in between the two of mine, I can feel the heat radiating off of him and it's filling me up. Suddenly, we're disturbed by the annoying vibrating of his cell phone. He collapses his weight on me with a frustrated sigh.
"Ugh, hold on, Ana." He pulls the phone from his pocket and answers. "Hello?...At Anastasia's," my voice rolls off of his tongue like a waterfall and I want to bathe in its beauty. "Yes...yes, I hear you...okay, dad, relax...I'll be home in ten...goodbye." He hangs up the phone and closes his eyes in what I can only guess is disappointment. "I have to go," he says. Those four words stick into my heart like daggers, and I wither away as he climbs off of me and the bed and returns to his feet on the wooden floor.
I follow, standing from the bed and fixing my misshapen self. I look up to see him smiling at me, and a shock pulses through me. Oh, god.
"You're wonderful, Anastasia, you know that?"
I can't help but smile as I feel my face engulf itself in a blushing red.
"I wrote you a note, it's inside your writing book. I was going to wait to do... this until after you read it. But I couldn't wait any longer."
I'm speechless. Completely and utterly speechless.
He walks toward me, taking my right hand in his and bringing it to his mouth. He places a single kiss on my knuckles and exhales. "God, these hands." He kisses it once more and softly drops it to my side. He winks at me, picks up his previously dropped books from the floor, and exits my room without turning back. I stand alone in silence for a moment, coming back into reality. Shit, my mom's home. And she was fighting with Keith before. What happened? As soon as I'm about to run downstairs to my mother, I remember my writing textbook. I turn toward my bed and pick it up from the floor next to it. I open the cover flap and out slides a small note with 'Anastasia' written on the front. I unfold it once and read.
Anastasia, thank you for allowing me to borrow your text book. You're one generous lady. I probably shouldn't be doing this through a note, but I have something I need you to know. My feelings for you, Ana, are more than I've led you to believe throughout the years. You're a wonderful girl, and I spend the majority of my time thinking about your beautiful hands. It's silly, really, to spend so much time envisioning such a random part of your body. Of course, every other part of you is equally as beautiful, but I can't help but dream about those soft hands on my skin. I know I'm risking a lot by confessing these feelings to you, but if there's even a slight chance that you feel the same way, I'm willing to risk it. I'll see you soon, love.
Never change.
-NMy stomach explodes with millions of large-winged butterflies. I fall backwards onto my bed, smiling alone in my bedroom, forgetting the world. I drift off into a dream-filled sleep, not waking until the next morning.
"Good morning, mom!" I say with so much happiness in my voice I think she might think I'm crazy. She's leaning against the kitchen sink with her chin dropped to her chest.
"Mom? Are you okay?"
"Honey, there was an accident."
My jaw clenches and my stomach tightens. Who?
"What-" I barely whisper as she cuts me off.
"Keith. He... he left last night after we fought and..." She can barely finish the sentence. I stop myself from reacting and force her to finish explaining.
"Mom, tell me. What happened? Was anyone hurt?"
She nods.
"Who?"
She shakes her head as she continues to sob.
"Mom, who!" I practically yell at her.
"Keith... he's... gone."
I think my heart stops.
"Anyone else?" I compose myself. I need to know. What if...
She nods.
Oh, God.
"Who?" I whisper.
"Nick," she mouths, and I think my heart basically explodes along with the rest of my organs and emotions. My mother grabs me and wraps me in her arms as I scream in sheer horror.
"No! No, mom! No! He can't be gone! No!" I'm screaming, sobbing, breathing and pulling at my mom's arms all at the same time. I can hear her trying to sooth me but everything is on mute. The world is gone. Nothing is right. No, he can't be gone, she's wrong. This isn't true. I have to get out of here. I break free from her grasp and run upstairs. Collapsing on my floor, and releasing myself, finally. I don't know quite how long the tears flow for, but I drift off into a long sleep shortly after.
~~~
"Essays are due on Friday. Don't forget everything we just learned on paragraph structure, it's very important for your grade. You may begin them now with the remaining time in class."
I disregard everything the teacher is saying and open my notebook.Paragraph structure. What is that? I open my writing textbook and feel a shooting pain in my chest. Nick's note. It's no longer in here, but I remember the night I found it. Before I can stop myself, I'm flipping through each of the textbook pages trying to find another love note from Nick in the margins, but to no avail. I stop and lean back in my chair, hands on my desk, heart in my stomach. Mrs. James approaches me.
"Anastasia, are you okay?"
"Yes," I manage to choke out.
"Alright, but your hands are fidgeting rather much. Would you like to go to the nurse?"
Her words pierce through me.
Anastasia, stop shaking.
Oh, those hands, Ana, I've wanted them on me for so long.
I spend the majority of my time thinking about your beautiful hands.
I stare blankly at her, having nothing but an empty shell of a human to offer. I stand up, holding her gaze the entire time and exit the room, not saying a word.
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