Indecisive

"Hello?"
"I'm coming over, bye."
The line disconnected and I clicked my phone shut.

"Who was that?" My mom questioned from the kitchen.
"It was Dan. He's coming over."
I looked at the clock above the TV and paused. It was already past five and I didn't want to do this here.
"Actually, I'm gonna meet him at the Lunch Spot. I'll be back late, don't wait up."
I walked out the front door and pulled my car keys and cellphone from my pocket. I dialed Dan's number.
"Meet at the Spot, invite Jess if you want to."
This time I hung up before he could answer, knowing he'd do exactly what I requested.

I walked into the small restaurant taking in the calm but happy atmosphere. I walked towards our usual table when Benny stopped me.
"Hey, Ray! How are ya on this fine August evening?"
"I'm swell, Benny, and yourself?"
"Same as always. Dan and Jess meeting you here?"
"Yes, sir."
"I'll get ya the usual, then."

I sat at the booth staring out the window into the cool gray sky. I felt so relaxed I almost forgot where I was. That was until Dan and Jess threw themselves down onto the bench and almost forced my heart out of my chest.
"Sup, Ray?" Jess asked as she fiddled through her giant backpack which she never thought to clean out.
"Just waiting for you guys, how are you?"
"We're fine," Dan answered for the both of them, "why are we here?"
The bluntness in his voice almost blew me back in my seat. "Are we not allowed to be? We always come here," I said with a bit of caution in my voice.
"Yes," Dan started, "we're allowed to be here. But there's a reason you want us here. You need to tell us something."
He always knew every time.
"You alway know every time, don't you?" I asked with a slight smile spreading across my face. Dan just tilted his head with a look on his face as though he was saying obviously.
"I want to tell my parents," I said.
"Are you sure?" Jess asked, finally looking up from her backpack, "that's a huge deal."
"Yes, I'm sure. But I don't know how."
"I say, just tell them. They're gonna be cool about it. They love you." Jess didn't speak seriously very often, but when she did everyone listened. She could part seas with her words and she knew it, too, that's why she chose carefully when to use them.
"Thanks, Jess. I will." I felt better just from her simple advice. I looked towards Dan who just had his head down, looking at the table and playing with his knife. I knew why he didn't say anything. I didn't comment on it.

Dan was bisexual. I was the only one who knew. He wanted to tell Jess, but was worried even though he knew she'd be cool with it. I told Jess about me sophomore year, along with Dan a week later, and they have been nothing but supportive since then. I haven't told anyone else but was becoming increasingly comfortable with my sexuality. Dan... Was quite the opposite. He felt different in a bad way in comparison to everyone else. Even me. One time he told me, "at least you know you only like guys, I can't choose one or the other. How fucked up is that?" I just sat there. I didn't know what to say. I didn't think Dan was different or abnormal. In fact, I had been having feelings towards Dan for a few years. He was amazing to me. I've tried to push the feelings aside but they've been surfacing much more lately. I mean, it could never happen... Dan and me... Right?

"Hello? Ray?!" I snapped out of my daze when I realized the waiter was asking me a question and Dan was trying to get my attention.
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Would you like anything else?"
"No, thank you."

I stared at Dan who was now eating hi same old order: a triple cheeseburger with bacon. I felt my face flood with color just looking at him, and quickly averted my eyes. I noticed Jess glance from me to her plate and my face blushed again, knowing she had seen that little connection.

"I'm gonna head home," Jess stated as she followed us out of the restaurant. "I'll catch you guys tomorrow." She came towards me and hugged me tightly whispering in my ear, "Go for it." she pulled away and offered me a subtle wink. My face flushed yet again and I watched as she stretched into her tip-toes to kiss Dan's cheek goodbye. She glanced back at me with a smile as she walked toward her car.
I couldn't figure out whether Jess meant her words towards me telling my parents or my feelings for Dan. Then I realized I never told her about Dan and she didn't know about his sexuality. Regardless, that didn't mean she didn't know. Sometimes I feel like I don't give Jess a much credit as she deserves.

"Wanna go back to my house?" Dan asked, finally breaking the silence.
"Sure," I offered as I followed toward his car.

I slid down into the passenger seat of his car and then remembered that I had driven to the Spot separately.
"I have my car here," I said nervously for some reason. Dan laughed and said, "it's okay, we'll come back later to get your car. Is your mom expecting you home early?"
"No, I told her not to wait up."
"Good," he said and pulled out of the parking lot.

It was getting dark now, my favorite time of day. Just as the sun was setting and the moon was awakening. I stared out the car's window and let my thoughts flood over me. Did Dan have feelings for me too? Did Jess know Dan was bi? Did I really have feelings for my best friend? I was disturbed from my daydream yet again by Dan's bruting voice.
"Hey, Ray, I have something I-" he was cut off by the obnoxious ringing of my cell phone. It was our other friend Sam.
"Hold on, Dan, Sam is calling me." I flipped open my phone and turned toward the window, thinking this would shield Dan from hearing my conversation.
"Hello?"
"Ray!?" Sam almost yelled into the phone, completely out of breath and worried.
"Yes, what's wrong Sam?"
"Are you alone? I really need to talk to someone."
"No, I'm with Dan. Are you okay?"
"Ray, Dan slept with Karley and I don't know what to do."
The shock of her words sent a wave of pain through my chest.
"What? What do you mean you don't know what to do?"
"I think I'm in love with him."
It was like I was being repeatedly punched in the stomach.
"Sam, what are you talking about? You've been friends for years."
"I've always liked him, and I was going to tell him last night at Karley's party, but when I was searching her house to find him, I found him. I found him on top of her in her bedroom."
I couldn't breathe in anymore.
"Sam, I have to go, I'll call you later."
I usually would never hang up on a friend in need, especially a friend as close to me as Sam. Although she didn't know about my sexuality, she knew me more than anyone. Well, except for Jess and Dan.

"You slept with Karley?"
I can't believe I said it. I thought I was only thinking it but I heard the words fall out of my mouth like word-vomit.
Dan sighed, like he knew it was coming, and responded.
"Yes, I was just going to tell you. But I've got a bit of a problem on my hands."
I was angry. I was basically seething but I wasn't about to let him know that.
"What?" I demanded rather than asked.
"I think I've got feelings for Sam."
I think I almost died. Why was this happening?
"Really?" I whispered, defeated.
"But I don't know! I don't know, Ray, I'm so confused." He pulled the car over to the side of a woodsy road. I didn't know why, but I didn't question it. "I don't know what to do or think or anything! I mean, I also think I've got feelings for guys and that's what's fucked up about me, but then I do shit like this! I fuck a girl I've got no feelings for when I'm really interested in one of my best friends."
I sat silently, secretly screaming inside my head. All I wanted to do was lean over and kiss him. I wanted to just do it and get it over with, open the car door and storm out and have that be it. But I couldn't. I was physically, emotionally and mentally paralyzed. I finally choked up the ability to speak.
"I don't kno-" he cut me off. But this time, it wasn't with his words, it was with his lips. He was kissing me. He threw himself across the center console of his car to fully offer himself to me. I didn't know what was going on, it was all so quick! I finally snapped back into my own body and kissed him back. I kissed him back so passionately I almost passed out. He grabbed the back of my head and ran his strong fingers through my hair. His other hand was grasping the side of my neck. He held me so tightly and intensely it caused me to fall deeper into his spell. I grabbed at his v-neck shirt, wishing it would rip to pieces. His warm, soft lips brushed mine lightly, followed by his teeth biting at my lower lip. He scratched at my back and tugged at my shirt and before I knew it we had made our way to the back seat of his car. He straddled himself on top of me, leaving me with the only option of staring up as his strong, muscular body. The moon was out now, and it kissed Dan's smooth skin along the right side of him perfectly. He basically glistened. Little beads of sweat appeared along his hairline, making their way down his face and detatching themselves along his bold jawline. I laid completely flat along his back seat with his legs on either side of me as he stretched his body up to remove his shirt. He took a second to look at me after doing so, not moving, which worried me thinking he'd realize what a stupid mistake he was making and stop. I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him down into me fervidly, needing him now. We resumed our previous intense make out now in the back of his car. He ran his hands up my sides, pulling my t-shirt up with them. His soft fingertips ran their way all the way up to mine and pinned my hands down to the seat with his as he traced my neck with his mouth. My bottom lip quivered as he kissed and licked my neck, making me shiver with anticipation. I forced my face underneath his, causing our mouths to connect yet again. We lustfully united for what felt like hours yet seconds all at the same time. In reality, I don't know how long it was, but if it were up to me we never would have stopped. Unfortunally, it eventually did. Before things got too intense, he released me from his grip, settling his sweaty body down next to mine on the bench seat. I sat up and wiped the wet hair from his face. He rested his head on my shoulder and we just sat. I heard him drift into a soft sleep after a few minutes which caused me to inevitably follow.
After what had to be two hours at least, Dan stirred and we both woke up tangled in each other.
"Hey," he said in a raspy, quiet voice.
"Hello," I said in return.
A simultaneous smile spread across our faces as we peered into one another's eyes.
"I'm gay," he said after a few moments of shared silence.
At first I felt like chuckling, already having known this but then I stopped. And thought. And realized. And smiled.

And that was that.